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+  Boy do I have a treat for you guys!
+If this works you can send thanks to emeli@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu for 
+bringing it to you, though I did not transcribe it.
+
+"Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
+-- the strictly unofficial script of the movie,
+   done in a fit of boredom by =AHH 01Jan87=
+
+The Cast (in order of appearance [roughly]):
+   KING ARTHUR : Graham Chapman
+   PATSY : Terry Gilliam
+   GUARD #1 : Michael Palin
+   GUARD #2 : John Cleese
+   MORTICIAN :  Eric Idle
+   CUSTOMER :  John Cleese
+   DEAD PERSON :  ???
+   DENNIS :  Michael Palin
+   WOMAN :  Terry Jones
+   BLACK KNIGHT : Michael Palin?
+   VILLAGER #1 : Eric Idle
+   VILLAGER #2 : Michael Palin
+   SIR BEDEMIR : Terry Jones
+   WITCH : ???
+   VILLAGER #3 : John Cleese
+   NARRATOR:  Michael Palin
+   SIR LANCELOT : John Cleese
+   SIR GALAHAD : Michael Palin
+   SIR ROBIN : Eric Idle
+   GOD : ???
+   FRENCH GUARD : John Cleese
+   MINSTREL : ???
+   LEFT HEAD :
+   MIDDLE HEAD :
+   RIGHT HEAD :
+Graham Chapman
+Terry Jones
+Michael Palin
+   OLD MAN : Terry Gilliam
+   HEAD KNIGHT OF NEE : Michael Palin
+   FATHER : Michael Palin
+   PRINCE HERBERT : Graham Chapman?
+   GUARD #1 : Eric Idle
+   GUARD #2 : ???
+   CONCORDE : Eric Idle
+   OLD CRONE : ???
+   ROGER THE SHRUBBER : Eric Idle
+   TIM THE ENCHANTER:  John Cleese
+   BROTHER MAYNARD:  Eric Idle
+   SECOND BROTHER:  Michael Palin
+
+       Scene 1
+
+[wind]
+[clop clop]
+   ARTHUR:  Whoa there!
+[clop clop]
+
+   GUARD #1:  Halt!  Who goes there?
+   ARTHUR:  It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle
+of Camelot.  King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign
+of all England!
+   GUARD #1:  Pull the other one!
+   ARTHUR:  I am.  And this my trusty servant Patsy.
+We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights
+who will join me in my court of Camelot.  I must speak with your lord
+and master.
+   GUARD #1:  What, ridden on a horse?
+   ARTHUR:  Yes!
+   GUARD #1:  You're using coconuts!
+   ARTHUR:  What?
+   GUARD #1:  You've got two empty halves of coconut and your bangin'
+'em together.
+   ARTHUR:  So?  We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this
+land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through--
+   GUARD #1:  Where'd you get the coconut?
+   ARTHUR:  We found them.
+   GUARD #1:  Found them?  In Mercea?  The coconut's tropical!
+   ARTHUR:  What do you mean?
+   GUARD #1:  Well, this is a temperate zone.
+   ARTHUR:  The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin
+or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not
+strangers to our land.
+   GUARD #1:  Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
+   ARTHUR:  Not at all, they could be carried.
+   GUARD #1:  What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?
+   ARTHUR:  It could grip it by the husk!
+   GUARD #1:  It's not a question of where he grips it!  It's a simple
+question of weight ratios!  A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound
+coconut.
+   ARTHUR:  Well, it doesn't matter.  Will you go and tell your master
+that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
+   GUARD #1:  Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow
+needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
+   ARTHUR:  Please!
+   GUARD #1:  Am I right?
+    ARTHUR:  I'm not interested!
+   GUARD #2:  It could be carried by an African swallow!
+   GUARD #1:  Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European
+       swallow, that's my point.
+   GUARD #2:  Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
+   ARTHUR:  Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court
+at Camelot?!
+   GUARD #1:  But then of course African swallows are not migratory.
+   GUARD #2:  Oh, yeah...
+   GUARD #1:  So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
+[clop clop]
+   GUARD #2:  Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it together?
+   GUARD #1:  No, they'd have to have it on a line.
+   GUARD #2:  Well, simple!  They'd just use a standard creeper!
+   GUARD #1:  What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
+   GUARD #2:  Well, why not?
+
+Scene 2
+
+   MORTICIAN:  Bring out your dead!
+[clang]
+Bring out your dead!
+[clang]
+Bring out your dead!
+[clang]
+Bring out your dead!
+[clang]
+       Bring out your dead!
+[clang]
+Bring out your dead!
+[clang]
+Bring out your dead!
+[clang]
+Bring out your dead!
+[clang]
+Bring out your dead!
+[clang]
+Bring out your dead!
+[clang]
+Bring out your dead!
+[clang]
+Bring out your dead!
+   CUSTOMER:  Here's one -- nine pence.
+   DEAD PERSON:  I'm not dead!
+   MORTICIAN:  What?
+   CUSTOMER:  Nothing -- here's your nine pence.
+     DEAD PERSON:  I'm not dead!
+   MORTICIAN:  Here -- he says he's not dead!
+   CUSTOMER:  Yes, he is.
+   DEAD PERSON:  I'm not!
+   MORTICIAN:  He isn't.
+   CUSTOMER:  Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
+   DEAD PERSON:  I'm getting better!
+   CUSTOMER:  No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.
+   MORTICIAN:  Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations.
+   DEAD PERSON:  I don't want to go in the cart!
+   CUSTOMER:  Oh, don't be such a baby.
+   MORTICIAN:  I can't take him...
+   DEAD PERSON:  I feel fine!
+   CUSTOMER:  Oh, do us a favor...
+   MORTICIAN:  I can't.
+   CUSTOMER:  Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes?  He won't
+be long.
+   MORTICIAN:  Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost nine
+today.
+   CUSTOMER:  Well, when is your next round?
+   MORTICIAN:  Thursday.
+   DEAD PERSON:  I think I'll go for a walk.
+   CUSTOMER:  You're not fooling anyone y'know.  Look, isn't there
+something you can do?
+   DEAD PERSON:  I feel happy... I feel happy.
+[whop]
+   CUSTOMER:  Ah, thanks very much.
+   MORTICIAN:  Not at all.  See you on Thursday.
+   CUSTOMER:  Right.
+       [clop clop]
+   MORTICIAN:  Who's that then?
+   CUSTOMER:  I don't know.
+   MORTICIAN:  Must be a king.
+   CUSTOMER:  Why?
+   MORTICIAN:  He hasn't got shit all over him.
+
+Scene 3
+
+[clop clop]
+   ARTHUR:  Old woman!
+   DENNIS:  Man!
+   ARTHUR:  Man, sorry.  What knight live in that castle over there?
+   DENNIS:  I'm thirty seven.
+   ARTHUR:  What?
+   DENNIS:  I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
+   ARTHUR:  Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.
+    DENNIS:  Well, you could say 'Dennis'.
+   ARTHUR:  Well, I didn't know you were called Dennis.
+   DENNIS:  Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
+   ARTHUR:  I did say sorry about the old woman, but from the behind
+you looked--
+   DENNIS:  What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
+   ARTHUR:  Well, I AM king...
+          DENNIS:  Oh king, eh, very nice.  An' how'd you get that, eh?  By
+exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma
+which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society!
+If there's ever going to be any progress--
+   WOMAN:  Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here.  Oh -- how'd you do?
+   ARTHUR:  How do you do, good lady.  I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
+Who's castle is that?
+   WOMAN:  King of the who?
+   ARTHUR:  The Britons.
+   WOMAN:  Who are the Britons?
+   ARTHUR:  Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king.
+   WOMAN:  I didn't know we had a king.  I thought we were an autonomous
+collective.
+   DENNIS:  You're fooling yourself.  We're living in a dictatorship.
+A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
+   WOMAN:  Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
+   DENNIS:  That's what it's all about if only people would--
+   ARTHUR:  Please, please good people.  I am in haste.  Who lives
+in that castle?
+   WOMAN:  No one live there.
+   ARTHUR:  Then who is your lord?
+   WOMAN:  We don't have a lord.
+   ARTHUR:  What?
+   DENNIS:  I told you.  We're an anarchosyndicalist commune.  We take
+       it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
+   ARTHUR:  Yes.
+   DENNIS:  But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified
+at a special biweekly meeting.
+   ARTHUR:  Yes, I see.
+   DENNIS:  By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--
+   ARTHUR:  Be quiet!
+   DENNIS:  --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
+   ARTHUR:  Be quiet!  I order you to be quiet!
+   WOMAN:  Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
+   ARTHUR:  I am your king!
+   WOMAN:  Well, I didn't vote for you.
+   ARTHUR:  You don't vote for kings.
+   WOMAN:  Well, 'ow did you become king then?
+   ARTHUR:  The Lady of the Lake,
+   [angels sing]
+her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur
+from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I,
+Arthur was to carry Excalibur.
+[singing stops]
+That is why I am your king!
+   DENNIS:  Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords
+is no basis for a system of government.  Supreme executive power derives
+from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
+          ARTHUR:  Be quiet!
+   DENNIS:  Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power
+just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
+   ARTHUR:  Shut up!
+   DENNIS:  I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just
+because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away!
+   ARTHUR:  Shut up!  Will you shut up!
+   DENNIS:  Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
+   ARTHUR:  Shut up!
+   DENNIS:  Oh!  Come and see the violence inherent in the system!
+HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!
+   ARTHUR:  Bloody peasant!
+   DENNIS:  Oh, what a give away.  Did you here that, did you here that,
+eh?  That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw
+it didn't you?
+
+Scene 4
+
+[arg] [ugh] [hah]
+
+   ARTHUR:  You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight.
+I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
+
+I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me
+       in my courted camelot.
+
+You have proved yourself worthy will you join me?
+
+You make me sad.  So be it.  Come, Patsy.
+   BLACK KNIGHT:  None shall pass.
+   ARTHUR:  What?
+   BLACK KNIGHT:  None shall pass.
+   ARTHUR:  I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must
+cross this bridge.
+   BLACK KNIGHT:  Then you shall die.
+   ARTHUR:  I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!
+   BLACK KNIGHT:  I move for no man.
+  ARTHUR:  So be it!
+[hah]
+[parry thrust]
+[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off]
+   ARTHUR:  Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
+   BLACK KNIGHT:  'Tis but a scratch.
+   ARTHUR:  A scratch?  Your arm's off!
+   BLACK KNIGHT:  No, it isn't.
+   ARTHUR:  Well, what's that then?
+   BLACK KNIGHT:  I've had worse.
+   ARTHUR:  You liar!
+          BLACK KNIGHT:  Come on you pansy!
+[hah]
+[parry thrust]
+[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off]
+   ARTHUR:  Victory is mine!
+[kneeling]
+We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc-
+[hah]
+   BLACK KNIGHT:  Come on then.
+   ARTHUR:  What?
+   BLACK KNIGHT:  Have at you!
+   ARTHUR:  You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine.
+   BLACK KNIGHT:  Oh, had enough, eh?
+   ARTHUR:  Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.
+   BLACK KNIGHT:  Yes I have.
+   ARTHUR:  Look!
+   BLACK KNIGHT:  Just a flesh wound.
+[bang]
+   ARTHUR:  Look, stop that.
+   BLACK KNIGHT:  Chicken!  Chicken!
+   ARTHUR:  Look, I'll have your leg.  Right!
+[whop]
+   BLACK KNIGHT:  Right, I'll do you for that!
+   ARTHUR:  You'll what?
+          BLACK KNIGHT:  Come 'ere!
+   ARTHUR:  What are you going to do, bleed on me?
+   BLACK KNIGHT:  I'm invincible!
+   ARTHUR:  You're a loony.
+   BLACK KNIGHT:  The Black Knight always triumphs!
+Have at you!  Come on then.
+[whop]
+[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's other leg off]
+   BLACK KNIGHT:  All right; we'll call it a draw.
+   ARTHUR:  Come, Patsy.
+   BLACK KNIGHT:  Oh, oh, I see, running away then.  You yellow
+bastards!  Come back here and take what's coming to you.  I'll bite
+your legs off!
+
+Scene 5
+
+   CROWD:  A witch!  A witch!  A witch!  We've got a witch!  A witch!
+   VILLAGER #1:  We have found a witch, might we burn her?
+   CROWD:  Burn her!  Burn!
+   BEDEMIR:  How do you know she is a witch?
+   VILLAGER #2:  She looks like one.
+   BEDEMIR:  Bring her forward.
+   WITCH:  I'm not a witch.  I'm not a witch.
+   BEDEMIR:  But you are dressed as one.
+          WITCH:  They dressed me up like this.
+   CROWD:  No, we didn't -- no.
+   WITCH:  And this isn't my nose, it's a false one.
+   BEDEMIR:  Well?
+   VILLAGER #1:  Well, we did do the nose.
+   BEDEMIR:  The nose?
+   VILLAGER #1:  And the hat -- but she is a witch!
+   CROWD:  Burn her!  Witch!  Witch!  Burn her!
+   BEDEMIR:  Did you dress her up like this?
+   CROWD:  No, no... no ... yes.  Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.
+   VILLAGER #1:  She has got a wart.
+   BEDEMIR:  What makes you think she is a witch?
+   VILLAGER #3:  Well, she turned me into a newt.
+   BEDEMIR:  A newt?
+   VILLAGER #3:  I got better.
+   VILLAGER #2:  Burn her anyway!
+   CROWD:  Burn!  Burn her!
+   BEDEMIR:  Quiet, quiet.  Quiet!  There are ways of telling whether
+she is a witch.
+   CROWD:  Are there?  What are they?
+   BEDEMIR:  Tell me, what do you do with witches?
+   VILLAGER #2:   Burn!
+   CROWD:  Burn, burn them up!
+   BEDEMIR:  And what do you burn apart from witches?
+          VILLAGER #1:  More witches!
+   VILLAGER #2:  Wood!
+   BEDEMIR:  So, why do witches burn?
+
+   VILLAGER #3:  B--... 'cause they're made of wood...?
+   BEDEMIR:  Good!
+   CROWD:  Oh yeah, yeah...
+   BEDEMIR:  So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
+   VILLAGER #1:  Build a bridge out of her.
+   BEDEMIR:  Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
+   VILLAGER #2:  Oh, yeah.
+   BEDEMIR:  Does wood sink in water?
+   VILLAGER #1:  No, no.
+   VILLAGER #2:  It floats!  It floats!
+   VILLAGER #1:  Throw her into the pond!
+   CROWD:  The pond!
+   BEDEMIR:  What also floats in water?
+   VILLAGER #1:  Bread!
+   VILLAGER #2:  Apples!
+   VILLAGER #3:  Very small rocks!
+   VILLAGER #1:  Cider!
+   VILLAGER #2:  Great gravy!
+   VILLAGER #1:  Cherries!
+   VILLAGER #2:  Mud!
+          VILLAGER #3:  Churches -- churches!
+   VILLAGER #2:  Lead -- lead!
+   ARTHUR:  A duck.
+   CROWD:  Oooh.
+   BEDEMIR:  Exactly!  So, logically...,
+   VILLAGER #1:  If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood.
+   BEDEMIR:  And therefore--?
+   VILLAGER #1:  A witch!
+   CROWD:  A witch!
+   BEDEMIR:  We shall use my larger scales!
+[yelling]
+   BEDEMIR:  Right, remove the supports!
+[whop]
+[creak]
+   CROWD:  A witch!  A witch!
+   WITCH:  This is a fair cop.
+   CROWD:  Burn her!  Burn!  [yelling]
+   BEDEMIR:  Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
+   ARTHUR:  I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
+   BEDEMIR:  My liege!
+   ARTHUR:  Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot,
+and join us at the Round Table?
+   BEDEMIR:  My liege!  I would be honored.
+   ARTHUR:  What is your name?
+          BEDEMIR:  Bedemir, my leige.
+   ARTHUR:  Then I dub you Sir Bedemir, Knight of the Round Table.
+
+[Narrative Interlude]
+
+   NARRATOR:  The wise Sir Bedemir was the first to join King Arthur's
+knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow:
+Sir Lancelot the Brave; Sir Galahad the Pure; and Sir Robin the
+Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot who had nearly fought the Dragon
+of Agnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol
+and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Baden Hill; and
+the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film.  Together they formed
+a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries,
+the Knights of the Round Table.
+
+Scene 6
+
+   BEDEMIR:  And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.
+   ARTHUR:  This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedemir.  Explain again how
+sheeps' bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
+   BEDEMIR:  Oh, certainly, sir.
+   LANCELOT:  Look, my liege!
+   ARTHUR:  Camelot!
+   GALAHAD:  Camelot!
+          LANCELOT:  Camelot!
+   PATSY:  It's only a model.
+   ARTHUR:  Shhh!  Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home.  Let us
+ride... to... Camelot.
+
+[singing]
+We're knights of the round table
+We dance when e'er we're able
+We do routines and parlour scenes
+With footwork impecc-Able.
+
+We dine well here in Camelot
+We eat ham and jam and spam a lot
+
+[dancing]
+
+We're knights of the Round Table
+Our shows are for-mid-able
+Oh many times we're given rhymes
+That are quite unsing-able
+We not so fat in Camelot
+We sing from the diaphragm a lot
+
+[tap-dancing]
+
+Oh we're tough and able
+Quite indefatigable
+Between our quests we [something]
+And impersonate Clark Gable
+It's a bit too loud in Camelot
+I have to push the pram a lot.
+
+   ARTHUR:  Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot -- it is
+a silly place.
+   Right.
+
+Scene 7
+
+   GOD:  Arthur!  Arthur, King of the Britons!  Oh, don't grovel!  If
+there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
+   ARTHUR:  Sorry--
+   GOD:  And don't apologize.  Every time I try to talk to someone it's
+"sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy".  What are you
+doing now!?
+   ARTHUR:  I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord.
+   GOD:  Well, don't.  It's like those miserable Psalms -- they're so
+depressing.  Now knock it off!
+   ARTHUR:  Yes, Lord.
+          GOD:  Right!  Arthur, King of the Britons -- your Knights of the 
+Round
+Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
+   ARTHUR:  Good idea, oh Lord!
+   GOD:  'Course it's a good idea!  Behold!  Arthur, this is the Holy
+Grail.  Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this Grail.
+That is your purpose, Arthur -- the Quest for the Holy Grail.
+   ARTHUR:  A blessing!
+   LANCELOT:  A blessing from the Lord!
+   GALAHAD:  God be praised!
+
+Scene 8
+
+[clop clop]
+   ARTHUR:  Halt!  Hallo!  Hallo!
+   GUARD:  'Allo!  Who is zis?
+   ARTHUR:  It is King Arthur, and these are the Knights of the Round
+Table.  Who's castle is this?
+   GUARD:  This is the castle of mumble mumble
+   ARTHUR:  Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God
+with a sacred quest.  If he will give us food and shelter for the night
+he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
+   GUARD:  Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen...
+Uh, he's already got one, you see?
+   ARTHUR:  What?
+          GALAHAD:  He says they've already got one!
+   ARTHUR:  Are you sure he's got one?
+   GUARD:  Oh, yes, it's very nice-uh  (I told him we already got one)
+   ARTHUR:  Well, um, can we come up and have a look?
+   GUARD:  Of course not!  You are English types-uh!
+   ARTHUR:  Well, what are you then?
+   GUARD:  I'm French!  Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you
+silly king!
+   GALAHAD:  What are you doing in England?
+   GUARD:  Mind your own business!
+   ARTHUR:  If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle
+by force!
+   GUARD:  You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs!  Go and boil your
+bottoms, sons of a silly person.  I blow my nose at you, so-called
+Arthur-king, you and all your silly English kaniggets.  Thppppt!
+   GALAHAD:  What a strange person.
+   ARTHUR:  Now look here, my good man!
+   GUARD:  I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal
+food trough whopper!  I fart in your general direction!  You mother was
+a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
+   ???:  Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
+   GUARD:  No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-uh!
+   ARTHUR:  Now, this is your last chance.  I've been more than reasonable.
+   GUARD:  (Fetch-a da mush.)
+                  wha?
+   GUARD:  (Fetch-a da mush!)
+[moo]
+   ARTHUR:  If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--
+[twong]
+[mooooooo]
+Jesus Christ!
+Right!  Charge!
+   ALL: Charge!
+[mayhem]
+   GUARD:  Ah, this one is for your mother!
+[twong]
+   ALL:  Run away!
+   GUARD:  Thpppt!
+   LANCELOT:  Fiends!  I'll tear them apart!
+   ARTHUR:  No no, no.
+   BEDEMIR:  Sir!  I have a plan, sir.
+
+[later]
+
+[chop]
+[rumble rumble squeak]
+ce labon a bunny do
+wha?
+       un codoo?
+a present!
+oh, un codoo.
+oui oui hurry!
+wha-?
+let's go!
+[rumble rumble squeak]
+
+   ARTHUR:  What happens now?
+   BEDEMIR:  Well, now, uh, Lancelet, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall,
+and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise -- not only
+by surprise, but totally unarmed!
+   ARTHUR:  Who leaps out?
+   BEDEMIR:  Uh, Lancelot, Galahad, and I.  Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh
+and uh....
+   ARTHUR:  Oh....
+   BEDEMIR:  Oh....  Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger--
+[twong]
+   ALL:  Run away!  Run away!  Run away!  Run away!
+[splat]
+   FRENCH:  Oh, haw haw haw.
+
+Scene 9
+
+             Pictures for Schools, take 8.
+   DIRECTOR:  Action!
+
+   NARRATOR:  Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened
+King Arthur.  The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely
+by surprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required
+if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful
+conclusion.  Arthur, having consulted his closest knights, decided that
+they should separate, and search for the Grail individually.  Now, this
+is what they did--
+[tromp tromp]
+[slash]
+   WOMAN:  Greg!
+
+Scene 10
+
+   NARRATOR:  The Tale of Sir Robin....
+So each of the knights went their separate ways.  Sir Robin rode north,
+through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels.
+
+   MINSTREL (singing):  Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot.
+                        He was not afraid to die, o Brave Sir Robin.
+                        He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
+                        Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!
+
+                        He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed
+                           into a pulp,
+                        Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken.
+                        To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away,
+                        And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!
+
+                        His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
+                        And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged,
+                        And his nostrils ripped and his bottom burned off,
+                        And his penis--
+   ROBIN:  That's -- that's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads.
+Looks like there's dirty work afoot.
+   DENNIS:  Anarchosyndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.
+   WOMAN:  Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom.  Now I've dropped my mud.
+   ALL HEADS:  Halt!  Who art thou?
+   MINSTREL (singing):  He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who--
+   ROBIN:  Shut up!  Um, n-n-nobody really, I'm j-just um, just passing
+through.
+   ALL HEADS:  What do you want?
+   MINSTREL (singing):  To fight, and--
+   ROBIN:  Shut up!  Um, oo, n-nothing, nothing really -- I, uh, j-j-ust
+to um, just to p-pass through good Sir knight.
+   ALL HEADS:  I'm afraid not!
+          ROBIN:  Ah.  W-well, actually I am a Knight of the Round Table.
+   ALL HEADS:  You're a Knight of the Round Table?
+   ROBIN:  I am.
+TJ:In that case I shall have to kill you.
+GC:Shall I?
+MP:Oh, I don't think so.
+GC:Well, what do I think?
+TJ:I think kill him.
+MP:Well let's be nice to him.
+GC:Oh shut up.
+TJ:Perhaps-
+GC:And you.
+TJ:Oh quick get the sword out I want to cut his head off!
+MP:Oh, cut your own head off!
+GC:Yes, do us all a favor!
+TJ:What?
+MP:Yapping on all the time.
+GC:You're lucky, you're not next to him.
+TJ:What do you mean?
+GC:You snore.
+TJ:Oh I don't -- anyway, you've got bad breath.
+GC:Well its only because you don't brush my teeth.
+MP:Oh stop bitching and let's go have tea.
+TJ:All right all right all right we'll kill him first and then have tea
+       and biscuits.
+GC:Yes.
+MP:Oh, but not biscuits.
+TJ:All right all right not biscuits, but lets kill him anyway.
+   ALL HEADS:  Right!
+TJ:He buggered off.
+MP:So he has, he scarpered.
+
+   MINSTREL (singing):  Brave Sir Robin ran away
+   ROBIN:  No!
+   MINSTREL (singing):  Bravely ran away away
+   ROBIN:  I didn't!
+   MINSTREL (singing):  When danger reared its ugly head,
+                        He bravely turned his tail and fled
+   ROBIN:  No!
+   MINSTREL (singing):  Yes Brave Sir Robin turned about
+   ROBIN:  I didn't!
+   MINSTREL (singing):  And gallantly he chickened out
+                        Bravely taking to his feet
+   ROBIN:  I never did!
+   MINSTREL (singing):  He beat a very brave retreat
+   ROBIN:  Oh, lie!
+   MINSTREL (singing):  Bravest of the brave Sir Robin
+   ROBIN:  I never!
+
+Scene 11
+   NARRATOR:  The Tale of Sir Galahad
+
+[boom crash]
+[angels singing]
+
+[pound pound pound]
+   GALAHAD:  Open the door!
+Open the door!
+[pound pound pound]
+In the name of King Arthur, open the door!
+[squeak thump]
+[squeak boom]
+   ALL:  Hello!
+   ZOOT:  Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
+   GALAHAD:  The Castle Anthrax?
+   ZOOT:  Yes... oh, it's not a very good name is it?  Oh! but we are
+nice and we shall attend to your every, every need!
+ GALAHAD:  You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?
+   ZOOT:  The what?
+   GALAHAD:  The Grail -- it is here?
+   ZOOT:  Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile.  Midget!
+Crepper!
+          MIDGET and CREPPER:  Yes, oh Zoot!
+   ZOOT:  Prepare a bed for our guest.
+   MIDGET and CREPPER:  Oh thank you thank you thank you--
+   ZOOT:  Away away vilatesses[?]!  The beds here are warm and soft -- and
+very, very big.
+   GALAHAD:  Well, look, I-I-uh--
+   ZOOT:  What is your name, handsome knight?
+   GALAHAD:  Sir Galahad... the Chaste.
+   ZOOT:  Mine is Zoot... just Zoot.  Oh, but come!
+   GALAHAD:  Look, please!  In God's name, show me the Grail!
+   ZOOT:  Oh, you have suffered much!  You are delirious!
+   GALAHAD:  L-look, I have seen it!  It is here, in the--
+   ZOOT:  Sir Galahad!  You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our
+hospitality.
+   GALAHAD:  Well, I-I-uh--
+   ZOOT:  Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared
+to yours.  We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between
+sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to
+protect us!  Oh, it is a lonely life -- bathing, dressing, undressing,
+making exciting underwear....  We are just not used to handsome knights.
+Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here.  Oh, but you are wounded!
+   GALAHAD:  No, no -- i-it's nothing!
+   ZOOT:  Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately!  No, no, please,
+lie down.  [clap clap]
+          PIGLET:  Ah.  What seems to be the trouble?
+   GALAHAD:  They're doctors?!
+   ZOOT:  Uh, they've had a basic medical training, yes.
+   GALAHAD:  B-but--
+   ZOOT:  Oh, come come, you must try to rest!  Doctor Piglet,  Doctor
+Winston, practice your art.
+   PIGLET:  Try to relax.
+   GALAHAD:  Are you sure that's necessary?
+   PIGLET:  We must examine you.
+   GALAHAD:  There's nothing wrong with that!
+   PIGLET:  Please -- we are doctors.
+   GALAHAD:  Get off the bed!  I am sworn to chastity!
+   PIGLET:  Back to your bed!
+   GALAHAD:  Torment me no longer!  I have seen the Grail!
+   PIGLET:  There's no grail here.
+   GALAHAD:  I have seen it, I have seen it.  I have seen--
+   GIRLS:  Hello.
+   GALAHAD:  Oh--
+   VARIOUS GIRLS:  Hello.
+Hello.
+Hello.
+Hello.
+Hello.
+Hello.
+       Hello.
+Hello.
+Hello.
+Hello.
+Hello.
+Hello.
+   GALAHAD:  Zoot!
+   DINGO:  No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
+   GALAHAD:  Oh, well, excuse me, I--
+   DINGO:  Where are you going?
+   GALAHAD:  I seek the Grail!  I have seen it, here in this castle!
+   DINGO:  No!  Oh, no!  Bad, bad Zoot!
+   GALAHAD:  What is it?
+   DINGO:  Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot!  She has been setting alight
+to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is grail-shaped.  It's not the
+first time we've had this problem.
+   GALAHAD:  It's not the real Grail?
+   DINGO:  Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot!  Oh, she is a naughty
+person, and she must pay the penalty -- and here in Castle Anthrax, we
+have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon.  You
+must tie her down on a bed and spank her!
+   GIRLS:  A spanking!  A spanking!
+   DINGO:  You must spank her well.  And after you have spanked her, you
+may deal with her as you like.  And then, spank me.
+          VARIOUS GIRLS:  And spank me.
+And me.
+And me.
+   DINGO:  Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
+   GIRLS:  A spanking!  A spanking!
+   DINGO:  And after the spanking, the oral sex.
+   GIRLS:  Oral sex!  Oral sex!
+   GALAHAD:  Well, I could stay a BIT longer.
+   LANCELOT:  Sir Galahad!
+   GALAHAD:  Oh, hello.
+   LANCELOT:  Quick!
+   GALAHAD:  What?
+   LANCELOT:  Quick!
+   GALAHAD:  Why?
+   LANCELOT:  You're in great peril!
+   GALAHAD:
+   ZOOT:
+   LANCELOT:  Silence, foul temptress!
+   GALAHAD:  Now look, it's not important.
+   LANCELOT:  Quick!  Come on and we'll cover your escape!
+   GALAHAD:  Look, I'm fine!
+   LANCELOT:  Come on!
+   GALAHAD:  Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
+   DINGO:  Yes!  Let him tackle us single-handed!
+          GIRLS:  Yes!  Tackle us single-handed!
+   LANCELOT:  No, Sir Galahad, come on!
+   GALAHAD:  No, really, honestly, I can go back and handle this lot easily!
+   DINGO:  Oh, yes, he can handle us easily.
+   GIRLS:  Yes, yes!
+   GALAHAD:  Wait!  I can defeat them!  There's only a hundred and fifty
+of them!
+   DINGO:  Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance.
+   GIRLS:  Yes, yes.
+[boom]
+   DINGO:  Oh, shit.
+[outside]
+   LANCELOT:  We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril.
+   GALAHAD:  I don't think I was.
+   LANCELOT:  Yes you were, you were in terrible peril.
+   GALAHAD:  Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
+   LANCELOT:  No, it's too perilous.
+   GALAHAD:  Look, my particular knight sob as much peril as I can.
+   LANCELOT:  No, we've got to find the Holy Grail.  Come on!
+   GALAHAD:  Well, let me have just a little bit of peril?
+   LANCELOT:  No, it's unhealthy.
+   GALAHAD:  Bet you're gay!
+   LANCELOT:  No, I'm not.
+
+       Narrative Interlude
+
+   NARRATOR:  Sir Lancelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain
+temptation, but they were still no nearer the Grail.  Meanwhile, King
+Arthur and Sir Bedemir, not more than a swallow's flight away, had
+discovered something.  Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously.
+I mean, they were more than two laden swallow's flights away -- four,
+really, if they hadn't a cord of line between them.  I mean, if the birds
+were walking and dragging--
+   CROWD:  Get on with it!
+   NARRATOR:  Oh, anyway, on to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing
+scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue,
+in which there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a
+starling -oolp!
+
+Scene 12
+
+   OLD MAN:  Ah, hee he he ha!
+   ARTHUR:  And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the grail?
+   OLD MAN:  Ha ha he he he he!
+   ARTHUR:  Where does he live?  Old man, where does he live?
+   OLD MAN:  He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered.
+   ARTHUR:  And the Grail... The Grail is there?
+   OLD MAN:  Very much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge
+       of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed.
+   ARTHUR:  But the Grail!  Where is the Grail!?
+   OLD MAN:  Seek you the Bridge of Death.
+   ARTHUR:  The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail?
+   OLD MAN:  Hee hee ha ha!
+
+Scene 13
+
+   HEAD KNIGHT:  Nee!
+Nee!
+Nee!
+Nee!
+   ARTHUR:  Who are you?
+   HEAD KNIGHT:  We are the Knights Who Say... Nee!
+   ARTHUR:  No!  Not the Knights Who Say Nee!
+   HEAD KNIGHT:  The same!
+   BEDEMIR:  Who are they?
+   HEAD KNIGHT:  We are the keepers of the sacred words:  Nee, Pen, and
+Nee-wom!
+   RANDOM:  Nee-wom!
+   ARTHUR:  Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
+   HEAD KNIGHT:  The Knights Who Say Nee demand a sacrifice!
+   ARTHUR:  Knights of Nee, we are but simple travellers who seek the
+enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
+          HEAD KNIGHT:  Nee!  Nee!  Nee!  Nee!
+   ARTHUR and PARTY:  Oh, ow!
+   HEAD KNIGHT:  We shall say 'nee' again to you if you do not appease us.
+   ARTHUR:  Well, what is it you want?
+   HEAD KNIGHT:  We want... a shrubbery!
+[chord]
+   ARTHUR:  A what?
+   HEAD KNIGHT:  Nee!  Nee!
+   ARTHUR and PARTY:  Oh, ow!
+   ARTHUR:  Please, please!  No more!  We shall find a shrubbery.
+   HEAD KNIGHT:  You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will
+never pass through this wood alive!
+   ARTHUR:  O Knights of Nee, you are just and fair, and we will return
+with a shrubbery.
+   HEAD KNIGHT:  One that looks nice.
+   ARTHUR:  Of course.
+   HEAD KNIGHT:  And not too expensive.
+   ARTHUR:  Yes.
+   HEAD KNIGHTS:  Now... go!
+
+Scene 14
+
+   NARRATOR:  The Tale of Sir Lancelot.
+
+          FATHER:  One day, lad, all this will be yours!
+   HERBERT:  What, the curtains?
+   FATHER:  No, not the curtains, lad.  All that you can see!  Stretched
+out over the hills and valleys of this land!  This'll be your kingdom, lad!
+   HERBERT:  But, Mother!
+   FATHER:  Father, I'm Father.
+   HERBERT:  But Father, I don't want any of that.
+   FATHER:  Listen, lad.  I've built this kingdom up from nothing.  When
+I started here, all there was was swamp.  All the kings said I was daft
+to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show
+'em.  It sank into the swamp.  So, I built a second one.  That sank into the
+swamp.  So I built a third one.  That burned down, fell over, then sank
+into the swamp.  But the fourth one stayed up.  An' that's what your gonna
+get, lad -- the strongest castle in these islands.
+   HERBERT:  But I don't want any of that -- I'd rather--
+   FATHER:  Rather what?!
+   HERBERT:  I'd rather... just...
+[music]
+...sing!
+   FATHER:  Stop that, stop that!  You're not going to do a song while
+I'm here.  Now listen lad, in twenty minutes you're getting married to
+a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.
+   HERBERT:  But I don't want land.
+   FATHER:  Listen, Alex,--
+          HERBERT:  Herbert.
+   FATHER:  Herbert.  We live in a bloody swamp.  We need all the land we
+can get.
+   HERBERT:  But I don't like her.
+   FATHER:  Don't like her?!  What's wrong with her?  She's beautiful,
+she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.
+   HERBERT:  I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have...
+a certain... special...
+[music]
+...something...
+   FATHER:  Cut that out, cut that out.  Look, you're marryin' Princess
+Looky, so you'd better get used to the idea. [smack]  Guards!  Make sure
+the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im.
+   GUARD #1:  Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.
+   GUARD #2:  Hic!
+   FATHER:  No, no.  Until I come and get 'im.
+   GUARD #1:  Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
+   FATHER:  No, no, no.  You stay in the room and make sure 'e doesn't
+leave.
+   GUARD #1:  And you'll come and get him.
+   GUARD #2:  Hic!
+   FATHER:  Right.
+   GUARD #1:  We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him
+entering the room.
+          FATHER:  No, no.  Leaving the room.
+   GUARD #1:  Leaving the room, yes.
+   FATHER:  All right?
+   GUARD #1:  Right.  Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...
+   FATHER:  Yes, what is it?
+   GUARD #1:  Oh, if-if, oh--
+   FATHER:  Look, it's quite simple.
+   GUARD #1:  Uh...
+   FATHER:  You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room.
+All right?
+   GUARD #2:  Hic!
+   FATHER:  Right.
+   GUARD #1:  Oh, I remember.  Uh, can he leave the room with us?
+   FATHER:  N- No no no.  You just keep him in here, and make sure--
+   GUARD #1:  Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously.  But if he had
+to leave and we were--
+   FATHER:  No, no, just keep him in here--
+   GUARD #1:  Until you, or anyone else,--
+   FATHER:  No, not anyone else, just me--
+   GUARD #1:  Just you.
+   GUARD #2:  Hic!
+   FATHER:  Get back.
+   GUARD #1:  Get back.
+   FATHER:  Right?
+          GUARD #1:  Right, we'll stay here until you get back.
+   FATHER:  And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.
+   GUARD #1:  What?
+   FATHER:  Make sure 'e doesn't leave.
+   GUARD #1:  The Prince?
+   FATHER:  Yes, make sure 'e doesn't leave.
+   GUARD #1:  Oh, yes, of course.  I thought you meant him.  Y'know, it
+seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.
+   FATHER:  Is that clear?
+   GUARD #2:  Hic!
+   GUARD #1:  Oh, quite clear, no problems.
+   FATHER:  Right.
+[starts to leave]
+Where are you going?
+   GUARD #1:  We're coming with you.
+   FATHER:  No no, I want you to stay 'ere and make sure 'e doesn't leave.
+   GUARD #1:  Oh, I see.  Right.
+   HERBERT:  But, Father!
+   FATHER:  Shut your noise, you!  And get that suit on!  And no singing!
+   GUARD #2:  Hic!
+   FATHER:  Oh, go get a glass of water.
+
+Scene 15
+
+          LANCELOT:  Well taken, Concorde!
+   CONCORDE:  Thank you, sir!  Most kind.
+   LANCELOT:  And again... Over we go!  Good.  Steady!  And now, the big
+one...Ooof!  Come on, Concorde!
+[thwonk]
+   CONCORDE:  Message for you, sir.
+[fwump]
+   LANCELOT:  Concorde!  Concorde, speak to me!  "To whoever finds this
+note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against
+my will.  Please, please, please come and rescue me.  I am in the tall
+tower of Swamp Castle."  At last!  A call, a cry of distress!  This could
+be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail!  Brave, brave Concorde!  You
+shall not have died in vain!
+   CONCORDE:  Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, sir.
+   LANCELOT:  Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!
+   CONCORDE:  Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir.
+   LANCELOT:  Oh, I see.
+   CONCORDE:  Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you--
+   LANCELOT:  No, no, sweet Concorde!  Stay here!  I will send help as
+soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own
+particular... (sigh)
+   CONCORDE:  Idiom, sir?
+   LANCELOT:  Idiom!
+   CONCORDE:  No, I feel fine, actually, sir.
+          LANCELOT:  Farewell, sweet Concorde!
+   CONCORDE:  I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir?  Yeah.
+
+Scene 16
+
+   LANCELOT:  Ha-ha! etc.
+   GUARD #1:  Now, you're not allowed to come in here, and we're-ugh!
+   LANCELOT:  O fair one, behold your humble servant Sir Lancelot
+of Camelot.  I have come to take -- oh, I'm terribly sorry.
+   HERBERT:  You got my note!
+   LANCELOT:  Uh, well, I got A note.
+   HERBERT:  You've come to rescue me!
+   LANCELOT:  Uh, well, no, you see--
+   HERBERT:  I knew that someone would, I knew that somewhere out there...
+there must be...
+[music]
+...someone...
+   FATHER:  Stop that, stop that, stop it!  Stop it!  Who are you?
+   HERBERT:  I'm your son!
+   FATHER:  No, not you.
+   LANCELOT:  I'm Sir Lancelot, sir.
+   HERBERT:  He's come to rescue me, father.
+   LANCELOT:  Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
+   FATHER:  Did you kill all the guard?
+          LANCELOT:  Uh..., oh, yes.  Sorry.
+   FATHER:  They cost fifty pounds each.
+   LANCELOT:  Well, I'm awfully sorry, I'm -- I really can explain everything.
+   HERBERT:  Don't be afraid of him, Sir Lancelot, I've got a rope all ready!
+   FATHER:  You killed eight wedding guests in all!
+   LANCELOT:  Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.
+   FATHER:  I can understand that.
+   HERBERT:  Hurry, Sir Lancelot!  Hurry!
+   FATHER:  Shut up!  You only killed the bride's father, that's all!
+   LANCELOT:  Well, I really didn't mean to...
+   FATHER:  Didn't mean to?!  You put your sword right through his head!
+   LANCELOT:  Oh, dear.  Is he all right?
+   FATHER:  You even kicked the bride in the chest!  This is going to cost
+me a fortune!
+   LANCELOT:  Well, I can explain.  I was in the forest, um, riding north
+from Camelot, when I got this note, you see--
+   FATHER:  Camelot?  Are you from, uh, Camelot?
+   HERBERT:  Hurry, Sir Lancelot!
+   LANCELOT:  Uh, I am a Knight of King Arthur, sir.
+   FATHER:  Pretty nice castle, Camelot.  Uh, pretty good pig country....
+   LANCELOT:  Yes.
+   HERBERT:  Hurry, I'm ready!
+   FATHER:  Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?
+   LANCELOT:  Well, that's, uh, awfully nice of you.
+          HERBERT:  I am ready!
+[start to leave]
+   LANCELOT:  --I mean to be, so understanding.
+[thonk]
+   HERBERT:  Oooh!
+   LANCELOT:  Um, I think when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit,
+uh, sort of carried away.
+   FATHER:  Oh, don't worry about that.
+   HERBERT:  Oooh!
+[splat]
+
+Scene 17
+[wailing]
+   FATHER:  Well, this is the main hall.  We're going to have all this
+knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living room.
+   RANDOM:  There he is!
+   FATHER:  Oh, bloody hell.
+   LANCELOT:  Ha-ha! etc.
+   FATHER:  Hold it, hold it!  Please!
+   LANCELOT:  Sorry, sorry.  See what I mean, I just get carried away.
+I really must -- sorry, sorry!  Sorry, everyone.
+   RANDOM:  He's killed the best man!
+[yelling]
+   FATHER:  Hold it, please!  Hold it!  This is Sir Lancelot from the
+       gorge of Camelot -- a very brave and influential knight, and my special
+guest here today.
+   LANCELOT:  Hello.
+   RANDOM:  He killed my auntie!
+[yelling]
+   FATHER:  Please, please!  This is supposed to be a happy occasion!
+Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who.  We are here today to
+witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy
+wedlock.  Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen
+to his death.  But I think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained
+a daughter!  For, since the tragic death of her father--
+   RANDOM:  He's not quite dead!
+   FATHER:  Since the near fatal wounding of her father--
+   RANDOM:  He's getting better!
+   FATHER:  For, since her own father... who, when he seemed about to
+recover, suddenly felt the icy hand fo death upon him,--
+[ugh]
+   RANDOM:  Oh, he's died!
+   FATHER:  And I want his only daughter to look upon me... as her own
+dad -- in a very real, and legally binding sense.
+[clapping]
+And I feel sure that the merger -- uh, the union -- between the Princess
+and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Lancelot of Camelot--
+   LANCELOT:  What?
+          RANDOM:  Look!  The dead Prince!
+   CONCORDE:  He's not quite dead!
+   HERBERT:  Oh, I feel much better.
+   FATHER:  You fell out of the cold tower, you creep!
+   HERBERT:  No, I was saved at the last minute.
+   FATHER:  How?!
+   HERBERT:  Well, I'll tell you...
+[music]
+   FATHER:  Not like that!  Not like that!  No, stop it!
+   SINGING:  He's going to tell!  He's going to tell!
+   FATHER:  Shut up!
+   SINGING:  He's going to tell!  He's going to tell!
+             He's going to tell!  He's going to tell!
+             He's going to tell!  He's going to tell!
+             He's going to tell!  He's going to tell!
+   CONCORDE:  Quickly, sir!  This way!
+   LANCELOT:  No, it's not in my idiom!  I must escape more....(sigh)
+   CONCORDE:  Dramatically, sir?
+   LANCELOT:  Dramatically!  Hee!  Ha!
+[crash]
+Excuse me, could, uh, could somebody give me a push, please...?
+
+Scene 18
+
+       [clop clop]
+   ARTHUR:  Old crone!  Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy
+a shrubbery!
+[chord]
+   CRONE:  Who sent you?
+   ARTHUR:  The Knights Who Say Nee.
+   CRONE:  Agh!  No!  Never!  We have no shrubberies here.
+   ARTHUR:  If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend
+and I will say... we will say... 'nee'.
+   CRONE:  Agh!  Do your worst!
+   ARTHUR:  Very well!  If you will not assist us voluntarily,... nee!
+   CRONE:  No!  Never!  No shrubberies!
+   ARTHUR:  Nee!
+   BEDEMIR:  Noo!  Noo!
+   ARTHUR:  No, no, no, no -- it's not that, it's 'nee'.
+   BEDEMIR:  Noo!
+   ARTHUR:  No, no -- 'nee'.  You're not doing it properly.
+   BEDEMIR:  Noo!  Nee!
+   ARTHUR:  That's it, that's it, you've got it.
+   ARTHUR and BEDEMIR:  Nee!  Nee!
+   ROGER:  Are you saying 'nee' to that old woman?
+   ARTHUR:  Um, yes.
+   ROGER:  Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can 'nee'
+at will to old ladies.  There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is
+       sacred.  Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under
+considerable economic stress at this period in history.
+   ARTHUR:  Did you say 'shrubberies'?
+   ROGER:  Yes, shrubberies are my trade -- I am a shrubber.  My name
+is Roger the Shrubber.  I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
+   BEDEMIR:  Nee!
+   ARTHUR:  No!  No, no, no!  No!
+
+Scene 19
+
+   ARTHUR:  O, Knights of Nee, we have brought you your shrubbery.  May we
+go now?
+   HEAD KNIGHT:  It is a good shrubbery.  I like the laurels particularly.
+But there is one small problem.
+   ARTHUR:  What is that?
+   HEAD KNIGHT:  We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Nee.
+   RANDOM:  Nee!
+   HEAD KNIGHT:  Shh shh.  We are now the Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky-
+ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-mumble-mumble.
+   RANDOM:  Nee!
+   HEAD KNIGHT:  Therefore, we must give you a test.
+   ARTHUR:  What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til Recently
+Said Nee?
+   HEAD KNIGHT:  Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!
+       [chord]
+   ARTHUR:  Not another shrubbery!
+   HEAD KNIGHT:  Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place
+it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a
+two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
+   RANDOM:  A path!  A path!  Nee!
+   HEAD KNIGHT:  Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut
+down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!
+[chord]
+   ARTHUR:  We shall do no such thing!
+   HEAD KNIGHT:  Oh, please!
+   ARTHUR:  Cut down a tree with a herring?  It can't be done.
+   KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!  Aaaugh!
+   HEAD KNIGHT:  Don't say that word.
+   ARTHUR:  What word?
+   HEAD KNIGHT:  I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words
+the Knights of Nee cannot hear.
+   ARTHUR:  How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
+   KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!  Aaaugh!
+   ARTHUR:  What, 'is'?
+   HEAD KNIGHT:  No, not "is" -- we couldn't get vary far in life not
+
+Ooops I'm out of time. i'll send the rest tomorrow.
+
+Eric