The speech manager interface is no longer supported and a replacement is

(unfortunately: especially the grail demo was hiarious) still missing.

3 files changed, 0 insertions, 1463 deletions

diff --git a/Mac/Demo/speech/SCRIPT b/Mac/Demo/speech/SCRIPT
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-  Boy do I have a treat for you guys!
-If this works you can send thanks to emeli@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu for 
-bringing it to you, though I did not transcribe it.
-
-"Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
--- the strictly unofficial script of the movie,
-   done in a fit of boredom by =AHH 01Jan87=
-
-The Cast (in order of appearance [roughly]):
-   KING ARTHUR : Graham Chapman
-   PATSY : Terry Gilliam
-   GUARD #1 : Michael Palin
-   GUARD #2 : John Cleese
-   MORTICIAN :  Eric Idle
-   CUSTOMER :  John Cleese
-   DEAD PERSON :  ???
-   DENNIS :  Michael Palin
-   WOMAN :  Terry Jones
-   BLACK KNIGHT : Michael Palin?
-   VILLAGER #1 : Eric Idle
-   VILLAGER #2 : Michael Palin
-   SIR BEDEMIR : Terry Jones
-   WITCH : ???
-   VILLAGER #3 : John Cleese
-   NARRATOR:  Michael Palin
-   SIR LANCELOT : John Cleese
-   SIR GALAHAD : Michael Palin
-   SIR ROBIN : Eric Idle
-   GOD : ???
-   FRENCH GUARD : John Cleese
-   MINSTREL : ???
-   LEFT HEAD :
-   MIDDLE HEAD :
-   RIGHT HEAD :
-Graham Chapman
-Terry Jones
-Michael Palin
-   OLD MAN : Terry Gilliam
-   HEAD KNIGHT OF NEE : Michael Palin
-   FATHER : Michael Palin
-   PRINCE HERBERT : Graham Chapman?
-   GUARD #1 : Eric Idle
-   GUARD #2 : ???
-   CONCORDE : Eric Idle
-   OLD CRONE : ???
-   ROGER THE SHRUBBER : Eric Idle
-   TIM THE ENCHANTER:  John Cleese
-   BROTHER MAYNARD:  Eric Idle
-   SECOND BROTHER:  Michael Palin
-
-       Scene 1
-
-[wind]
-[clop clop]
-   ARTHUR:  Whoa there!
-[clop clop]
-
-   GUARD #1:  Halt!  Who goes there?
-   ARTHUR:  It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle
-of Camelot.  King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign
-of all England!
-   GUARD #1:  Pull the other one!
-   ARTHUR:  I am.  And this my trusty servant Patsy.
-We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights
-who will join me in my court of Camelot.  I must speak with your lord
-and master.
-   GUARD #1:  What, ridden on a horse?
-   ARTHUR:  Yes!
-   GUARD #1:  You're using coconuts!
-   ARTHUR:  What?
-   GUARD #1:  You've got two empty halves of coconut and your bangin'
-'em together.
-   ARTHUR:  So?  We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this
-land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through--
-   GUARD #1:  Where'd you get the coconut?
-   ARTHUR:  We found them.
-   GUARD #1:  Found them?  In Mercea?  The coconut's tropical!
-   ARTHUR:  What do you mean?
-   GUARD #1:  Well, this is a temperate zone.
-   ARTHUR:  The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin
-or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not
-strangers to our land.
-   GUARD #1:  Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
-   ARTHUR:  Not at all, they could be carried.
-   GUARD #1:  What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?
-   ARTHUR:  It could grip it by the husk!
-   GUARD #1:  It's not a question of where he grips it!  It's a simple
-question of weight ratios!  A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound
-coconut.
-   ARTHUR:  Well, it doesn't matter.  Will you go and tell your master
-that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
-   GUARD #1:  Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow
-needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
-   ARTHUR:  Please!
-   GUARD #1:  Am I right?
-    ARTHUR:  I'm not interested!
-   GUARD #2:  It could be carried by an African swallow!
-   GUARD #1:  Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European
-       swallow, that's my point.
-   GUARD #2:  Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
-   ARTHUR:  Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court
-at Camelot?!
-   GUARD #1:  But then of course African swallows are not migratory.
-   GUARD #2:  Oh, yeah...
-   GUARD #1:  So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
-[clop clop]
-   GUARD #2:  Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it together?
-   GUARD #1:  No, they'd have to have it on a line.
-   GUARD #2:  Well, simple!  They'd just use a standard creeper!
-   GUARD #1:  What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
-   GUARD #2:  Well, why not?
-
-Scene 2
-
-   MORTICIAN:  Bring out your dead!
-[clang]
-Bring out your dead!
-[clang]
-Bring out your dead!
-[clang]
-Bring out your dead!
-[clang]
-       Bring out your dead!
-[clang]
-Bring out your dead!
-[clang]
-Bring out your dead!
-[clang]
-Bring out your dead!
-[clang]
-Bring out your dead!
-[clang]
-Bring out your dead!
-[clang]
-Bring out your dead!
-[clang]
-Bring out your dead!
-   CUSTOMER:  Here's one -- nine pence.
-   DEAD PERSON:  I'm not dead!
-   MORTICIAN:  What?
-   CUSTOMER:  Nothing -- here's your nine pence.
-     DEAD PERSON:  I'm not dead!
-   MORTICIAN:  Here -- he says he's not dead!
-   CUSTOMER:  Yes, he is.
-   DEAD PERSON:  I'm not!
-   MORTICIAN:  He isn't.
-   CUSTOMER:  Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
-   DEAD PERSON:  I'm getting better!
-   CUSTOMER:  No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.
-   MORTICIAN:  Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations.
-   DEAD PERSON:  I don't want to go in the cart!
-   CUSTOMER:  Oh, don't be such a baby.
-   MORTICIAN:  I can't take him...
-   DEAD PERSON:  I feel fine!
-   CUSTOMER:  Oh, do us a favor...
-   MORTICIAN:  I can't.
-   CUSTOMER:  Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes?  He won't
-be long.
-   MORTICIAN:  Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost nine
-today.
-   CUSTOMER:  Well, when is your next round?
-   MORTICIAN:  Thursday.
-   DEAD PERSON:  I think I'll go for a walk.
-   CUSTOMER:  You're not fooling anyone y'know.  Look, isn't there
-something you can do?
-   DEAD PERSON:  I feel happy... I feel happy.
-[whop]
-   CUSTOMER:  Ah, thanks very much.
-   MORTICIAN:  Not at all.  See you on Thursday.
-   CUSTOMER:  Right.
-       [clop clop]
-   MORTICIAN:  Who's that then?
-   CUSTOMER:  I don't know.
-   MORTICIAN:  Must be a king.
-   CUSTOMER:  Why?
-   MORTICIAN:  He hasn't got shit all over him.
-
-Scene 3
-
-[clop clop]
-   ARTHUR:  Old woman!
-   DENNIS:  Man!
-   ARTHUR:  Man, sorry.  What knight live in that castle over there?
-   DENNIS:  I'm thirty seven.
-   ARTHUR:  What?
-   DENNIS:  I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
-   ARTHUR:  Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.
-    DENNIS:  Well, you could say 'Dennis'.
-   ARTHUR:  Well, I didn't know you were called Dennis.
-   DENNIS:  Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
-   ARTHUR:  I did say sorry about the old woman, but from the behind
-you looked--
-   DENNIS:  What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
-   ARTHUR:  Well, I AM king...
-          DENNIS:  Oh king, eh, very nice.  An' how'd you get that, eh?  By
-exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma
-which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society!
-If there's ever going to be any progress--
-   WOMAN:  Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here.  Oh -- how'd you do?
-   ARTHUR:  How do you do, good lady.  I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
-Who's castle is that?
-   WOMAN:  King of the who?
-   ARTHUR:  The Britons.
-   WOMAN:  Who are the Britons?
-   ARTHUR:  Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king.
-   WOMAN:  I didn't know we had a king.  I thought we were an autonomous
-collective.
-   DENNIS:  You're fooling yourself.  We're living in a dictatorship.
-A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
-   WOMAN:  Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
-   DENNIS:  That's what it's all about if only people would--
-   ARTHUR:  Please, please good people.  I am in haste.  Who lives
-in that castle?
-   WOMAN:  No one live there.
-   ARTHUR:  Then who is your lord?
-   WOMAN:  We don't have a lord.
-   ARTHUR:  What?
-   DENNIS:  I told you.  We're an anarchosyndicalist commune.  We take
-       it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
-   ARTHUR:  Yes.
-   DENNIS:  But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified
-at a special biweekly meeting.
-   ARTHUR:  Yes, I see.
-   DENNIS:  By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--
-   ARTHUR:  Be quiet!
-   DENNIS:  --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
-   ARTHUR:  Be quiet!  I order you to be quiet!
-   WOMAN:  Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
-   ARTHUR:  I am your king!
-   WOMAN:  Well, I didn't vote for you.
-   ARTHUR:  You don't vote for kings.
-   WOMAN:  Well, 'ow did you become king then?
-   ARTHUR:  The Lady of the Lake,
-   [angels sing]
-her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur
-from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I,
-Arthur was to carry Excalibur.
-[singing stops]
-That is why I am your king!
-   DENNIS:  Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords
-is no basis for a system of government.  Supreme executive power derives
-from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
-          ARTHUR:  Be quiet!
-   DENNIS:  Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power
-just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
-   ARTHUR:  Shut up!
-   DENNIS:  I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just
-because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away!
-   ARTHUR:  Shut up!  Will you shut up!
-   DENNIS:  Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
-   ARTHUR:  Shut up!
-   DENNIS:  Oh!  Come and see the violence inherent in the system!
-HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!
-   ARTHUR:  Bloody peasant!
-   DENNIS:  Oh, what a give away.  Did you here that, did you here that,
-eh?  That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw
-it didn't you?
-
-Scene 4
-
-[arg] [ugh] [hah]
-
-   ARTHUR:  You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight.
-I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
-
-I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me
-       in my courted camelot.
-
-You have proved yourself worthy will you join me?
-
-You make me sad.  So be it.  Come, Patsy.
-   BLACK KNIGHT:  None shall pass.
-   ARTHUR:  What?
-   BLACK KNIGHT:  None shall pass.
-   ARTHUR:  I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must
-cross this bridge.
-   BLACK KNIGHT:  Then you shall die.
-   ARTHUR:  I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!
-   BLACK KNIGHT:  I move for no man.
-  ARTHUR:  So be it!
-[hah]
-[parry thrust]
-[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off]
-   ARTHUR:  Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
-   BLACK KNIGHT:  'Tis but a scratch.
-   ARTHUR:  A scratch?  Your arm's off!
-   BLACK KNIGHT:  No, it isn't.
-   ARTHUR:  Well, what's that then?
-   BLACK KNIGHT:  I've had worse.
-   ARTHUR:  You liar!
-          BLACK KNIGHT:  Come on you pansy!
-[hah]
-[parry thrust]
-[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off]
-   ARTHUR:  Victory is mine!
-[kneeling]
-We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc-
-[hah]
-   BLACK KNIGHT:  Come on then.
-   ARTHUR:  What?
-   BLACK KNIGHT:  Have at you!
-   ARTHUR:  You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine.
-   BLACK KNIGHT:  Oh, had enough, eh?
-   ARTHUR:  Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.
-   BLACK KNIGHT:  Yes I have.
-   ARTHUR:  Look!
-   BLACK KNIGHT:  Just a flesh wound.
-[bang]
-   ARTHUR:  Look, stop that.
-   BLACK KNIGHT:  Chicken!  Chicken!
-   ARTHUR:  Look, I'll have your leg.  Right!
-[whop]
-   BLACK KNIGHT:  Right, I'll do you for that!
-   ARTHUR:  You'll what?
-          BLACK KNIGHT:  Come 'ere!
-   ARTHUR:  What are you going to do, bleed on me?
-   BLACK KNIGHT:  I'm invincible!
-   ARTHUR:  You're a loony.
-   BLACK KNIGHT:  The Black Knight always triumphs!
-Have at you!  Come on then.
-[whop]
-[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's other leg off]
-   BLACK KNIGHT:  All right; we'll call it a draw.
-   ARTHUR:  Come, Patsy.
-   BLACK KNIGHT:  Oh, oh, I see, running away then.  You yellow
-bastards!  Come back here and take what's coming to you.  I'll bite
-your legs off!
-
-Scene 5
-
-   CROWD:  A witch!  A witch!  A witch!  We've got a witch!  A witch!
-   VILLAGER #1:  We have found a witch, might we burn her?
-   CROWD:  Burn her!  Burn!
-   BEDEMIR:  How do you know she is a witch?
-   VILLAGER #2:  She looks like one.
-   BEDEMIR:  Bring her forward.
-   WITCH:  I'm not a witch.  I'm not a witch.
-   BEDEMIR:  But you are dressed as one.
-          WITCH:  They dressed me up like this.
-   CROWD:  No, we didn't -- no.
-   WITCH:  And this isn't my nose, it's a false one.
-   BEDEMIR:  Well?
-   VILLAGER #1:  Well, we did do the nose.
-   BEDEMIR:  The nose?
-   VILLAGER #1:  And the hat -- but she is a witch!
-   CROWD:  Burn her!  Witch!  Witch!  Burn her!
-   BEDEMIR:  Did you dress her up like this?
-   CROWD:  No, no... no ... yes.  Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.
-   VILLAGER #1:  She has got a wart.
-   BEDEMIR:  What makes you think she is a witch?
-   VILLAGER #3:  Well, she turned me into a newt.
-   BEDEMIR:  A newt?
-   VILLAGER #3:  I got better.
-   VILLAGER #2:  Burn her anyway!
-   CROWD:  Burn!  Burn her!
-   BEDEMIR:  Quiet, quiet.  Quiet!  There are ways of telling whether
-she is a witch.
-   CROWD:  Are there?  What are they?
-   BEDEMIR:  Tell me, what do you do with witches?
-   VILLAGER #2:   Burn!
-   CROWD:  Burn, burn them up!
-   BEDEMIR:  And what do you burn apart from witches?
-          VILLAGER #1:  More witches!
-   VILLAGER #2:  Wood!
-   BEDEMIR:  So, why do witches burn?
-
-   VILLAGER #3:  B--... 'cause they're made of wood...?
-   BEDEMIR:  Good!
-   CROWD:  Oh yeah, yeah...
-   BEDEMIR:  So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
-   VILLAGER #1:  Build a bridge out of her.
-   BEDEMIR:  Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
-   VILLAGER #2:  Oh, yeah.
-   BEDEMIR:  Does wood sink in water?
-   VILLAGER #1:  No, no.
-   VILLAGER #2:  It floats!  It floats!
-   VILLAGER #1:  Throw her into the pond!
-   CROWD:  The pond!
-   BEDEMIR:  What also floats in water?
-   VILLAGER #1:  Bread!
-   VILLAGER #2:  Apples!
-   VILLAGER #3:  Very small rocks!
-   VILLAGER #1:  Cider!
-   VILLAGER #2:  Great gravy!
-   VILLAGER #1:  Cherries!
-   VILLAGER #2:  Mud!
-          VILLAGER #3:  Churches -- churches!
-   VILLAGER #2:  Lead -- lead!
-   ARTHUR:  A duck.
-   CROWD:  Oooh.
-   BEDEMIR:  Exactly!  So, logically...,
-   VILLAGER #1:  If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood.
-   BEDEMIR:  And therefore--?
-   VILLAGER #1:  A witch!
-   CROWD:  A witch!
-   BEDEMIR:  We shall use my larger scales!
-[yelling]
-   BEDEMIR:  Right, remove the supports!
-[whop]
-[creak]
-   CROWD:  A witch!  A witch!
-   WITCH:  This is a fair cop.
-   CROWD:  Burn her!  Burn!  [yelling]
-   BEDEMIR:  Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
-   ARTHUR:  I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
-   BEDEMIR:  My liege!
-   ARTHUR:  Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot,
-and join us at the Round Table?
-   BEDEMIR:  My liege!  I would be honored.
-   ARTHUR:  What is your name?
-          BEDEMIR:  Bedemir, my leige.
-   ARTHUR:  Then I dub you Sir Bedemir, Knight of the Round Table.
-
-[Narrative Interlude]
-
-   NARRATOR:  The wise Sir Bedemir was the first to join King Arthur's
-knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow:
-Sir Lancelot the Brave; Sir Galahad the Pure; and Sir Robin the
-Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot who had nearly fought the Dragon
-of Agnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol
-and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Baden Hill; and
-the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film.  Together they formed
-a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries,
-the Knights of the Round Table.
-
-Scene 6
-
-   BEDEMIR:  And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.
-   ARTHUR:  This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedemir.  Explain again how
-sheeps' bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
-   BEDEMIR:  Oh, certainly, sir.
-   LANCELOT:  Look, my liege!
-   ARTHUR:  Camelot!
-   GALAHAD:  Camelot!
-          LANCELOT:  Camelot!
-   PATSY:  It's only a model.
-   ARTHUR:  Shhh!  Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home.  Let us
-ride... to... Camelot.
-
-[singing]
-We're knights of the round table
-We dance when e'er we're able
-We do routines and parlour scenes
-With footwork impecc-Able.
-
-We dine well here in Camelot
-We eat ham and jam and spam a lot
-
-[dancing]
-
-We're knights of the Round Table
-Our shows are for-mid-able
-Oh many times we're given rhymes
-That are quite unsing-able
-We not so fat in Camelot
-We sing from the diaphragm a lot
-
-[tap-dancing]
-
-Oh we're tough and able
-Quite indefatigable
-Between our quests we [something]
-And impersonate Clark Gable
-It's a bit too loud in Camelot
-I have to push the pram a lot.
-
-   ARTHUR:  Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot -- it is
-a silly place.
-   Right.
-
-Scene 7
-
-   GOD:  Arthur!  Arthur, King of the Britons!  Oh, don't grovel!  If
-there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
-   ARTHUR:  Sorry--
-   GOD:  And don't apologize.  Every time I try to talk to someone it's
-"sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy".  What are you
-doing now!?
-   ARTHUR:  I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord.
-   GOD:  Well, don't.  It's like those miserable Psalms -- they're so
-depressing.  Now knock it off!
-   ARTHUR:  Yes, Lord.
-          GOD:  Right!  Arthur, King of the Britons -- your Knights of the 
-Round
-Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
-   ARTHUR:  Good idea, oh Lord!
-   GOD:  'Course it's a good idea!  Behold!  Arthur, this is the Holy
-Grail.  Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this Grail.
-That is your purpose, Arthur -- the Quest for the Holy Grail.
-   ARTHUR:  A blessing!
-   LANCELOT:  A blessing from the Lord!
-   GALAHAD:  God be praised!
-
-Scene 8
-
-[clop clop]
-   ARTHUR:  Halt!  Hallo!  Hallo!
-   GUARD:  'Allo!  Who is zis?
-   ARTHUR:  It is King Arthur, and these are the Knights of the Round
-Table.  Who's castle is this?
-   GUARD:  This is the castle of mumble mumble
-   ARTHUR:  Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God
-with a sacred quest.  If he will give us food and shelter for the night
-he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
-   GUARD:  Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen...
-Uh, he's already got one, you see?
-   ARTHUR:  What?
-          GALAHAD:  He says they've already got one!
-   ARTHUR:  Are you sure he's got one?
-   GUARD:  Oh, yes, it's very nice-uh  (I told him we already got one)
-   ARTHUR:  Well, um, can we come up and have a look?
-   GUARD:  Of course not!  You are English types-uh!
-   ARTHUR:  Well, what are you then?
-   GUARD:  I'm French!  Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you
-silly king!
-   GALAHAD:  What are you doing in England?
-   GUARD:  Mind your own business!
-   ARTHUR:  If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle
-by force!
-   GUARD:  You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs!  Go and boil your
-bottoms, sons of a silly person.  I blow my nose at you, so-called
-Arthur-king, you and all your silly English kaniggets.  Thppppt!
-   GALAHAD:  What a strange person.
-   ARTHUR:  Now look here, my good man!
-   GUARD:  I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal
-food trough whopper!  I fart in your general direction!  You mother was
-a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
-   ???:  Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
-   GUARD:  No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-uh!
-   ARTHUR:  Now, this is your last chance.  I've been more than reasonable.
-   GUARD:  (Fetch-a da mush.)
-                  wha?
-   GUARD:  (Fetch-a da mush!)
-[moo]
-   ARTHUR:  If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--
-[twong]
-[mooooooo]
-Jesus Christ!
-Right!  Charge!
-   ALL: Charge!
-[mayhem]
-   GUARD:  Ah, this one is for your mother!
-[twong]
-   ALL:  Run away!
-   GUARD:  Thpppt!
-   LANCELOT:  Fiends!  I'll tear them apart!
-   ARTHUR:  No no, no.
-   BEDEMIR:  Sir!  I have a plan, sir.
-
-[later]
-
-[chop]
-[rumble rumble squeak]
-ce labon a bunny do
-wha?
-       un codoo?
-a present!
-oh, un codoo.
-oui oui hurry!
-wha-?
-let's go!
-[rumble rumble squeak]
-
-   ARTHUR:  What happens now?
-   BEDEMIR:  Well, now, uh, Lancelet, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall,
-and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise -- not only
-by surprise, but totally unarmed!
-   ARTHUR:  Who leaps out?
-   BEDEMIR:  Uh, Lancelot, Galahad, and I.  Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh
-and uh....
-   ARTHUR:  Oh....
-   BEDEMIR:  Oh....  Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger--
-[twong]
-   ALL:  Run away!  Run away!  Run away!  Run away!
-[splat]
-   FRENCH:  Oh, haw haw haw.
-
-Scene 9
-
-             Pictures for Schools, take 8.
-   DIRECTOR:  Action!
-
-   NARRATOR:  Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened
-King Arthur.  The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely
-by surprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required
-if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful
-conclusion.  Arthur, having consulted his closest knights, decided that
-they should separate, and search for the Grail individually.  Now, this
-is what they did--
-[tromp tromp]
-[slash]
-   WOMAN:  Greg!
-
-Scene 10
-
-   NARRATOR:  The Tale of Sir Robin....
-So each of the knights went their separate ways.  Sir Robin rode north,
-through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels.
-
-   MINSTREL (singing):  Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot.
-                        He was not afraid to die, o Brave Sir Robin.
-                        He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
-                        Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!
-
-                        He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed
-                           into a pulp,
-                        Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken.
-                        To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away,
-                        And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!
-
-                        His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
-                        And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged,
-                        And his nostrils ripped and his bottom burned off,
-                        And his penis--
-   ROBIN:  That's -- that's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads.
-Looks like there's dirty work afoot.
-   DENNIS:  Anarchosyndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.
-   WOMAN:  Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom.  Now I've dropped my mud.
-   ALL HEADS:  Halt!  Who art thou?
-   MINSTREL (singing):  He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who--
-   ROBIN:  Shut up!  Um, n-n-nobody really, I'm j-just um, just passing
-through.
-   ALL HEADS:  What do you want?
-   MINSTREL (singing):  To fight, and--
-   ROBIN:  Shut up!  Um, oo, n-nothing, nothing really -- I, uh, j-j-ust
-to um, just to p-pass through good Sir knight.
-   ALL HEADS:  I'm afraid not!
-          ROBIN:  Ah.  W-well, actually I am a Knight of the Round Table.
-   ALL HEADS:  You're a Knight of the Round Table?
-   ROBIN:  I am.
-TJ:In that case I shall have to kill you.
-GC:Shall I?
-MP:Oh, I don't think so.
-GC:Well, what do I think?
-TJ:I think kill him.
-MP:Well let's be nice to him.
-GC:Oh shut up.
-TJ:Perhaps-
-GC:And you.
-TJ:Oh quick get the sword out I want to cut his head off!
-MP:Oh, cut your own head off!
-GC:Yes, do us all a favor!
-TJ:What?
-MP:Yapping on all the time.
-GC:You're lucky, you're not next to him.
-TJ:What do you mean?
-GC:You snore.
-TJ:Oh I don't -- anyway, you've got bad breath.
-GC:Well its only because you don't brush my teeth.
-MP:Oh stop bitching and let's go have tea.
-TJ:All right all right all right we'll kill him first and then have tea
-       and biscuits.
-GC:Yes.
-MP:Oh, but not biscuits.
-TJ:All right all right not biscuits, but lets kill him anyway.
-   ALL HEADS:  Right!
-TJ:He buggered off.
-MP:So he has, he scarpered.
-
-   MINSTREL (singing):  Brave Sir Robin ran away
-   ROBIN:  No!
-   MINSTREL (singing):  Bravely ran away away
-   ROBIN:  I didn't!
-   MINSTREL (singing):  When danger reared its ugly head,
-                        He bravely turned his tail and fled
-   ROBIN:  No!
-   MINSTREL (singing):  Yes Brave Sir Robin turned about
-   ROBIN:  I didn't!
-   MINSTREL (singing):  And gallantly he chickened out
-                        Bravely taking to his feet
-   ROBIN:  I never did!
-   MINSTREL (singing):  He beat a very brave retreat
-   ROBIN:  Oh, lie!
-   MINSTREL (singing):  Bravest of the brave Sir Robin
-   ROBIN:  I never!
-
-Scene 11
-   NARRATOR:  The Tale of Sir Galahad
-
-[boom crash]
-[angels singing]
-
-[pound pound pound]
-   GALAHAD:  Open the door!
-Open the door!
-[pound pound pound]
-In the name of King Arthur, open the door!
-[squeak thump]
-[squeak boom]
-   ALL:  Hello!
-   ZOOT:  Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
-   GALAHAD:  The Castle Anthrax?
-   ZOOT:  Yes... oh, it's not a very good name is it?  Oh! but we are
-nice and we shall attend to your every, every need!
- GALAHAD:  You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?
-   ZOOT:  The what?
-   GALAHAD:  The Grail -- it is here?
-   ZOOT:  Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile.  Midget!
-Crepper!
-          MIDGET and CREPPER:  Yes, oh Zoot!
-   ZOOT:  Prepare a bed for our guest.
-   MIDGET and CREPPER:  Oh thank you thank you thank you--
-   ZOOT:  Away away vilatesses[?]!  The beds here are warm and soft -- and
-very, very big.
-   GALAHAD:  Well, look, I-I-uh--
-   ZOOT:  What is your name, handsome knight?
-   GALAHAD:  Sir Galahad... the Chaste.
-   ZOOT:  Mine is Zoot... just Zoot.  Oh, but come!
-   GALAHAD:  Look, please!  In God's name, show me the Grail!
-   ZOOT:  Oh, you have suffered much!  You are delirious!
-   GALAHAD:  L-look, I have seen it!  It is here, in the--
-   ZOOT:  Sir Galahad!  You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our
-hospitality.
-   GALAHAD:  Well, I-I-uh--
-   ZOOT:  Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared
-to yours.  We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between
-sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to
-protect us!  Oh, it is a lonely life -- bathing, dressing, undressing,
-making exciting underwear....  We are just not used to handsome knights.
-Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here.  Oh, but you are wounded!
-   GALAHAD:  No, no -- i-it's nothing!
-   ZOOT:  Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately!  No, no, please,
-lie down.  [clap clap]
-          PIGLET:  Ah.  What seems to be the trouble?
-   GALAHAD:  They're doctors?!
-   ZOOT:  Uh, they've had a basic medical training, yes.
-   GALAHAD:  B-but--
-   ZOOT:  Oh, come come, you must try to rest!  Doctor Piglet,  Doctor
-Winston, practice your art.
-   PIGLET:  Try to relax.
-   GALAHAD:  Are you sure that's necessary?
-   PIGLET:  We must examine you.
-   GALAHAD:  There's nothing wrong with that!
-   PIGLET:  Please -- we are doctors.
-   GALAHAD:  Get off the bed!  I am sworn to chastity!
-   PIGLET:  Back to your bed!
-   GALAHAD:  Torment me no longer!  I have seen the Grail!
-   PIGLET:  There's no grail here.
-   GALAHAD:  I have seen it, I have seen it.  I have seen--
-   GIRLS:  Hello.
-   GALAHAD:  Oh--
-   VARIOUS GIRLS:  Hello.
-Hello.
-Hello.
-Hello.
-Hello.
-Hello.
-       Hello.
-Hello.
-Hello.
-Hello.
-Hello.
-Hello.
-   GALAHAD:  Zoot!
-   DINGO:  No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
-   GALAHAD:  Oh, well, excuse me, I--
-   DINGO:  Where are you going?
-   GALAHAD:  I seek the Grail!  I have seen it, here in this castle!
-   DINGO:  No!  Oh, no!  Bad, bad Zoot!
-   GALAHAD:  What is it?
-   DINGO:  Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot!  She has been setting alight
-to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is grail-shaped.  It's not the
-first time we've had this problem.
-   GALAHAD:  It's not the real Grail?
-   DINGO:  Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot!  Oh, she is a naughty
-person, and she must pay the penalty -- and here in Castle Anthrax, we
-have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon.  You
-must tie her down on a bed and spank her!
-   GIRLS:  A spanking!  A spanking!
-   DINGO:  You must spank her well.  And after you have spanked her, you
-may deal with her as you like.  And then, spank me.
-          VARIOUS GIRLS:  And spank me.
-And me.
-And me.
-   DINGO:  Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
-   GIRLS:  A spanking!  A spanking!
-   DINGO:  And after the spanking, the oral sex.
-   GIRLS:  Oral sex!  Oral sex!
-   GALAHAD:  Well, I could stay a BIT longer.
-   LANCELOT:  Sir Galahad!
-   GALAHAD:  Oh, hello.
-   LANCELOT:  Quick!
-   GALAHAD:  What?
-   LANCELOT:  Quick!
-   GALAHAD:  Why?
-   LANCELOT:  You're in great peril!
-   GALAHAD:
-   ZOOT:
-   LANCELOT:  Silence, foul temptress!
-   GALAHAD:  Now look, it's not important.
-   LANCELOT:  Quick!  Come on and we'll cover your escape!
-   GALAHAD:  Look, I'm fine!
-   LANCELOT:  Come on!
-   GALAHAD:  Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
-   DINGO:  Yes!  Let him tackle us single-handed!
-          GIRLS:  Yes!  Tackle us single-handed!
-   LANCELOT:  No, Sir Galahad, come on!
-   GALAHAD:  No, really, honestly, I can go back and handle this lot easily!
-   DINGO:  Oh, yes, he can handle us easily.
-   GIRLS:  Yes, yes!
-   GALAHAD:  Wait!  I can defeat them!  There's only a hundred and fifty
-of them!
-   DINGO:  Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance.
-   GIRLS:  Yes, yes.
-[boom]
-   DINGO:  Oh, shit.
-[outside]
-   LANCELOT:  We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril.
-   GALAHAD:  I don't think I was.
-   LANCELOT:  Yes you were, you were in terrible peril.
-   GALAHAD:  Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
-   LANCELOT:  No, it's too perilous.
-   GALAHAD:  Look, my particular knight sob as much peril as I can.
-   LANCELOT:  No, we've got to find the Holy Grail.  Come on!
-   GALAHAD:  Well, let me have just a little bit of peril?
-   LANCELOT:  No, it's unhealthy.
-   GALAHAD:  Bet you're gay!
-   LANCELOT:  No, I'm not.
-
-       Narrative Interlude
-
-   NARRATOR:  Sir Lancelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain
-temptation, but they were still no nearer the Grail.  Meanwhile, King
-Arthur and Sir Bedemir, not more than a swallow's flight away, had
-discovered something.  Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously.
-I mean, they were more than two laden swallow's flights away -- four,
-really, if they hadn't a cord of line between them.  I mean, if the birds
-were walking and dragging--
-   CROWD:  Get on with it!
-   NARRATOR:  Oh, anyway, on to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing
-scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue,
-in which there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a
-starling -oolp!
-
-Scene 12
-
-   OLD MAN:  Ah, hee he he ha!
-   ARTHUR:  And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the grail?
-   OLD MAN:  Ha ha he he he he!
-   ARTHUR:  Where does he live?  Old man, where does he live?
-   OLD MAN:  He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered.
-   ARTHUR:  And the Grail... The Grail is there?
-   OLD MAN:  Very much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge
-       of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed.
-   ARTHUR:  But the Grail!  Where is the Grail!?
-   OLD MAN:  Seek you the Bridge of Death.
-   ARTHUR:  The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail?
-   OLD MAN:  Hee hee ha ha!
-
-Scene 13
-
-   HEAD KNIGHT:  Nee!
-Nee!
-Nee!
-Nee!
-   ARTHUR:  Who are you?
-   HEAD KNIGHT:  We are the Knights Who Say... Nee!
-   ARTHUR:  No!  Not the Knights Who Say Nee!
-   HEAD KNIGHT:  The same!
-   BEDEMIR:  Who are they?
-   HEAD KNIGHT:  We are the keepers of the sacred words:  Nee, Pen, and
-Nee-wom!
-   RANDOM:  Nee-wom!
-   ARTHUR:  Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
-   HEAD KNIGHT:  The Knights Who Say Nee demand a sacrifice!
-   ARTHUR:  Knights of Nee, we are but simple travellers who seek the
-enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
-          HEAD KNIGHT:  Nee!  Nee!  Nee!  Nee!
-   ARTHUR and PARTY:  Oh, ow!
-   HEAD KNIGHT:  We shall say 'nee' again to you if you do not appease us.
-   ARTHUR:  Well, what is it you want?
-   HEAD KNIGHT:  We want... a shrubbery!
-[chord]
-   ARTHUR:  A what?
-   HEAD KNIGHT:  Nee!  Nee!
-   ARTHUR and PARTY:  Oh, ow!
-   ARTHUR:  Please, please!  No more!  We shall find a shrubbery.
-   HEAD KNIGHT:  You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will
-never pass through this wood alive!
-   ARTHUR:  O Knights of Nee, you are just and fair, and we will return
-with a shrubbery.
-   HEAD KNIGHT:  One that looks nice.
-   ARTHUR:  Of course.
-   HEAD KNIGHT:  And not too expensive.
-   ARTHUR:  Yes.
-   HEAD KNIGHTS:  Now... go!
-
-Scene 14
-
-   NARRATOR:  The Tale of Sir Lancelot.
-
-          FATHER:  One day, lad, all this will be yours!
-   HERBERT:  What, the curtains?
-   FATHER:  No, not the curtains, lad.  All that you can see!  Stretched
-out over the hills and valleys of this land!  This'll be your kingdom, lad!
-   HERBERT:  But, Mother!
-   FATHER:  Father, I'm Father.
-   HERBERT:  But Father, I don't want any of that.
-   FATHER:  Listen, lad.  I've built this kingdom up from nothing.  When
-I started here, all there was was swamp.  All the kings said I was daft
-to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show
-'em.  It sank into the swamp.  So, I built a second one.  That sank into the
-swamp.  So I built a third one.  That burned down, fell over, then sank
-into the swamp.  But the fourth one stayed up.  An' that's what your gonna
-get, lad -- the strongest castle in these islands.
-   HERBERT:  But I don't want any of that -- I'd rather--
-   FATHER:  Rather what?!
-   HERBERT:  I'd rather... just...
-[music]
-...sing!
-   FATHER:  Stop that, stop that!  You're not going to do a song while
-I'm here.  Now listen lad, in twenty minutes you're getting married to
-a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.
-   HERBERT:  But I don't want land.
-   FATHER:  Listen, Alex,--
-          HERBERT:  Herbert.
-   FATHER:  Herbert.  We live in a bloody swamp.  We need all the land we
-can get.
-   HERBERT:  But I don't like her.
-   FATHER:  Don't like her?!  What's wrong with her?  She's beautiful,
-she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.
-   HERBERT:  I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have...
-a certain... special...
-[music]
-...something...
-   FATHER:  Cut that out, cut that out.  Look, you're marryin' Princess
-Looky, so you'd better get used to the idea. [smack]  Guards!  Make sure
-the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im.
-   GUARD #1:  Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.
-   GUARD #2:  Hic!
-   FATHER:  No, no.  Until I come and get 'im.
-   GUARD #1:  Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
-   FATHER:  No, no, no.  You stay in the room and make sure 'e doesn't
-leave.
-   GUARD #1:  And you'll come and get him.
-   GUARD #2:  Hic!
-   FATHER:  Right.
-   GUARD #1:  We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him
-entering the room.
-          FATHER:  No, no.  Leaving the room.
-   GUARD #1:  Leaving the room, yes.
-   FATHER:  All right?
-   GUARD #1:  Right.  Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...
-   FATHER:  Yes, what is it?
-   GUARD #1:  Oh, if-if, oh--
-   FATHER:  Look, it's quite simple.
-   GUARD #1:  Uh...
-   FATHER:  You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room.
-All right?
-   GUARD #2:  Hic!
-   FATHER:  Right.
-   GUARD #1:  Oh, I remember.  Uh, can he leave the room with us?
-   FATHER:  N- No no no.  You just keep him in here, and make sure--
-   GUARD #1:  Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously.  But if he had
-to leave and we were--
-   FATHER:  No, no, just keep him in here--
-   GUARD #1:  Until you, or anyone else,--
-   FATHER:  No, not anyone else, just me--
-   GUARD #1:  Just you.
-   GUARD #2:  Hic!
-   FATHER:  Get back.
-   GUARD #1:  Get back.
-   FATHER:  Right?
-          GUARD #1:  Right, we'll stay here until you get back.
-   FATHER:  And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.
-   GUARD #1:  What?
-   FATHER:  Make sure 'e doesn't leave.
-   GUARD #1:  The Prince?
-   FATHER:  Yes, make sure 'e doesn't leave.
-   GUARD #1:  Oh, yes, of course.  I thought you meant him.  Y'know, it
-seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.
-   FATHER:  Is that clear?
-   GUARD #2:  Hic!
-   GUARD #1:  Oh, quite clear, no problems.
-   FATHER:  Right.
-[starts to leave]
-Where are you going?
-   GUARD #1:  We're coming with you.
-   FATHER:  No no, I want you to stay 'ere and make sure 'e doesn't leave.
-   GUARD #1:  Oh, I see.  Right.
-   HERBERT:  But, Father!
-   FATHER:  Shut your noise, you!  And get that suit on!  And no singing!
-   GUARD #2:  Hic!
-   FATHER:  Oh, go get a glass of water.
-
-Scene 15
-
-          LANCELOT:  Well taken, Concorde!
-   CONCORDE:  Thank you, sir!  Most kind.
-   LANCELOT:  And again... Over we go!  Good.  Steady!  And now, the big
-one...Ooof!  Come on, Concorde!
-[thwonk]
-   CONCORDE:  Message for you, sir.
-[fwump]
-   LANCELOT:  Concorde!  Concorde, speak to me!  "To whoever finds this
-note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against
-my will.  Please, please, please come and rescue me.  I am in the tall
-tower of Swamp Castle."  At last!  A call, a cry of distress!  This could
-be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail!  Brave, brave Concorde!  You
-shall not have died in vain!
-   CONCORDE:  Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, sir.
-   LANCELOT:  Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!
-   CONCORDE:  Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir.
-   LANCELOT:  Oh, I see.
-   CONCORDE:  Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you--
-   LANCELOT:  No, no, sweet Concorde!  Stay here!  I will send help as
-soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own
-particular... (sigh)
-   CONCORDE:  Idiom, sir?
-   LANCELOT:  Idiom!
-   CONCORDE:  No, I feel fine, actually, sir.
-          LANCELOT:  Farewell, sweet Concorde!
-   CONCORDE:  I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir?  Yeah.
-
-Scene 16
-
-   LANCELOT:  Ha-ha! etc.
-   GUARD #1:  Now, you're not allowed to come in here, and we're-ugh!
-   LANCELOT:  O fair one, behold your humble servant Sir Lancelot
-of Camelot.  I have come to take -- oh, I'm terribly sorry.
-   HERBERT:  You got my note!
-   LANCELOT:  Uh, well, I got A note.
-   HERBERT:  You've come to rescue me!
-   LANCELOT:  Uh, well, no, you see--
-   HERBERT:  I knew that someone would, I knew that somewhere out there...
-there must be...
-[music]
-...someone...
-   FATHER:  Stop that, stop that, stop it!  Stop it!  Who are you?
-   HERBERT:  I'm your son!
-   FATHER:  No, not you.
-   LANCELOT:  I'm Sir Lancelot, sir.
-   HERBERT:  He's come to rescue me, father.
-   LANCELOT:  Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
-   FATHER:  Did you kill all the guard?
-          LANCELOT:  Uh..., oh, yes.  Sorry.
-   FATHER:  They cost fifty pounds each.
-   LANCELOT:  Well, I'm awfully sorry, I'm -- I really can explain everything.
-   HERBERT:  Don't be afraid of him, Sir Lancelot, I've got a rope all ready!
-   FATHER:  You killed eight wedding guests in all!
-   LANCELOT:  Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.
-   FATHER:  I can understand that.
-   HERBERT:  Hurry, Sir Lancelot!  Hurry!
-   FATHER:  Shut up!  You only killed the bride's father, that's all!
-   LANCELOT:  Well, I really didn't mean to...
-   FATHER:  Didn't mean to?!  You put your sword right through his head!
-   LANCELOT:  Oh, dear.  Is he all right?
-   FATHER:  You even kicked the bride in the chest!  This is going to cost
-me a fortune!
-   LANCELOT:  Well, I can explain.  I was in the forest, um, riding north
-from Camelot, when I got this note, you see--
-   FATHER:  Camelot?  Are you from, uh, Camelot?
-   HERBERT:  Hurry, Sir Lancelot!
-   LANCELOT:  Uh, I am a Knight of King Arthur, sir.
-   FATHER:  Pretty nice castle, Camelot.  Uh, pretty good pig country....
-   LANCELOT:  Yes.
-   HERBERT:  Hurry, I'm ready!
-   FATHER:  Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?
-   LANCELOT:  Well, that's, uh, awfully nice of you.
-          HERBERT:  I am ready!
-[start to leave]
-   LANCELOT:  --I mean to be, so understanding.
-[thonk]
-   HERBERT:  Oooh!
-   LANCELOT:  Um, I think when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit,
-uh, sort of carried away.
-   FATHER:  Oh, don't worry about that.
-   HERBERT:  Oooh!
-[splat]
-
-Scene 17
-[wailing]
-   FATHER:  Well, this is the main hall.  We're going to have all this
-knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living room.
-   RANDOM:  There he is!
-   FATHER:  Oh, bloody hell.
-   LANCELOT:  Ha-ha! etc.
-   FATHER:  Hold it, hold it!  Please!
-   LANCELOT:  Sorry, sorry.  See what I mean, I just get carried away.
-I really must -- sorry, sorry!  Sorry, everyone.
-   RANDOM:  He's killed the best man!
-[yelling]
-   FATHER:  Hold it, please!  Hold it!  This is Sir Lancelot from the
-       gorge of Camelot -- a very brave and influential knight, and my special
-guest here today.
-   LANCELOT:  Hello.
-   RANDOM:  He killed my auntie!
-[yelling]
-   FATHER:  Please, please!  This is supposed to be a happy occasion!
-Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who.  We are here today to
-witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy
-wedlock.  Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen
-to his death.  But I think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained
-a daughter!  For, since the tragic death of her father--
-   RANDOM:  He's not quite dead!
-   FATHER:  Since the near fatal wounding of her father--
-   RANDOM:  He's getting better!
-   FATHER:  For, since her own father... who, when he seemed about to
-recover, suddenly felt the icy hand fo death upon him,--
-[ugh]
-   RANDOM:  Oh, he's died!
-   FATHER:  And I want his only daughter to look upon me... as her own
-dad -- in a very real, and legally binding sense.
-[clapping]
-And I feel sure that the merger -- uh, the union -- between the Princess
-and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Lancelot of Camelot--
-   LANCELOT:  What?
-          RANDOM:  Look!  The dead Prince!
-   CONCORDE:  He's not quite dead!
-   HERBERT:  Oh, I feel much better.
-   FATHER:  You fell out of the cold tower, you creep!
-   HERBERT:  No, I was saved at the last minute.
-   FATHER:  How?!
-   HERBERT:  Well, I'll tell you...
-[music]
-   FATHER:  Not like that!  Not like that!  No, stop it!
-   SINGING:  He's going to tell!  He's going to tell!
-   FATHER:  Shut up!
-   SINGING:  He's going to tell!  He's going to tell!
-             He's going to tell!  He's going to tell!
-             He's going to tell!  He's going to tell!
-             He's going to tell!  He's going to tell!
-   CONCORDE:  Quickly, sir!  This way!
-   LANCELOT:  No, it's not in my idiom!  I must escape more....(sigh)
-   CONCORDE:  Dramatically, sir?
-   LANCELOT:  Dramatically!  Hee!  Ha!
-[crash]
-Excuse me, could, uh, could somebody give me a push, please...?
-
-Scene 18
-
-       [clop clop]
-   ARTHUR:  Old crone!  Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy
-a shrubbery!
-[chord]
-   CRONE:  Who sent you?
-   ARTHUR:  The Knights Who Say Nee.
-   CRONE:  Agh!  No!  Never!  We have no shrubberies here.
-   ARTHUR:  If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend
-and I will say... we will say... 'nee'.
-   CRONE:  Agh!  Do your worst!
-   ARTHUR:  Very well!  If you will not assist us voluntarily,... nee!
-   CRONE:  No!  Never!  No shrubberies!
-   ARTHUR:  Nee!
-   BEDEMIR:  Noo!  Noo!
-   ARTHUR:  No, no, no, no -- it's not that, it's 'nee'.
-   BEDEMIR:  Noo!
-   ARTHUR:  No, no -- 'nee'.  You're not doing it properly.
-   BEDEMIR:  Noo!  Nee!
-   ARTHUR:  That's it, that's it, you've got it.
-   ARTHUR and BEDEMIR:  Nee!  Nee!
-   ROGER:  Are you saying 'nee' to that old woman?
-   ARTHUR:  Um, yes.
-   ROGER:  Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can 'nee'
-at will to old ladies.  There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is
-       sacred.  Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under
-considerable economic stress at this period in history.
-   ARTHUR:  Did you say 'shrubberies'?
-   ROGER:  Yes, shrubberies are my trade -- I am a shrubber.  My name
-is Roger the Shrubber.  I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
-   BEDEMIR:  Nee!
-   ARTHUR:  No!  No, no, no!  No!
-
-Scene 19
-
-   ARTHUR:  O, Knights of Nee, we have brought you your shrubbery.  May we
-go now?
-   HEAD KNIGHT:  It is a good shrubbery.  I like the laurels particularly.
-But there is one small problem.
-   ARTHUR:  What is that?
-   HEAD KNIGHT:  We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Nee.
-   RANDOM:  Nee!
-   HEAD KNIGHT:  Shh shh.  We are now the Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky-
-ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-mumble-mumble.
-   RANDOM:  Nee!
-   HEAD KNIGHT:  Therefore, we must give you a test.
-   ARTHUR:  What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til Recently
-Said Nee?
-   HEAD KNIGHT:  Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!
-       [chord]
-   ARTHUR:  Not another shrubbery!
-   HEAD KNIGHT:  Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place
-it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a
-two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
-   RANDOM:  A path!  A path!  Nee!
-   HEAD KNIGHT:  Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut
-down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!
-[chord]
-   ARTHUR:  We shall do no such thing!
-   HEAD KNIGHT:  Oh, please!
-   ARTHUR:  Cut down a tree with a herring?  It can't be done.
-   KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!  Aaaugh!
-   HEAD KNIGHT:  Don't say that word.
-   ARTHUR:  What word?
-   HEAD KNIGHT:  I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words
-the Knights of Nee cannot hear.
-   ARTHUR:  How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
-   KNIGHTS:  Aaaaugh!  Aaaugh!
-   ARTHUR:  What, 'is'?
-   HEAD KNIGHT:  No, not "is" -- we couldn't get vary far in life not
-
-Ooops I'm out of time. i'll send the rest tomorrow.
-
-Eric
diff --git a/Mac/Demo/speech/grail.py b/Mac/Demo/speech/grail.py
deleted file mode 100644
index 4f95b9a..0000000
--- a/Mac/Demo/speech/grail.py
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,228 +0,0 @@
-# Pass this program the Holy Grail script on stdin.
-import sys
-import string
-import stdwin
-from stdwinevents import *
-
-try:
-	import macspeech
-except ImportError:
-	macspeech = None
-
-WINWIDTH = 1000
-scrw, scrh = stdwin.getscrsize()
-if WINWIDTH > 0.8*scrw:
-	WINWIDTH = int(0.8*scrw)
-BLACK = stdwin.fetchcolor('black')
-RED = stdwin.fetchcolor('red')
-BLUE = stdwin.fetchcolor('blue')
-
-done='done'
-
-class MacSpeaker:
-	def __init__(self):
-		self.voices = []
-		self.nvoices = macspeech.CountVoices()
-		self.curvoice = 1
-		self.rate = 1.0
-		
-	def _newvoice(self):
-		vd = macspeech.GetIndVoice(self.curvoice)
-		sc = vd.NewChannel()
-		self.curvoice = self.curvoice + 1
-		if self.curvoice > self.nvoices:
-			self.curvoice = 1
-		return sc
-		
-	def newvoices(self, n):
-		self.voices = []
-		for i in range(n):
-			self.voices.append(self._newvoice())
-		if self.rate <> 1.0:
-			self.setrate(1.0)
-			
-	def setrate(self, factor):
-		self.rate = self.rate*factor
-		for v in self.voices:
-			r = v.GetRate()
-			v.SetRate(r*factor)
-					
-	def speak(self, i, text):
-		self.voices[i-1].SpeakText(text)
-		
-	def busy(self):
-		return macspeech.Busy()
-
-[NOTHING, NEWSCENE, ACT, TEXT, MORETEXT] = range(5)
-def parseline(line):
-	stripline = string.strip(line)
-	if not stripline:
-		return NOTHING, ''
-	if stripline[:5] == 'Scene':
-		return NEWSCENE, stripline
-	if line[0] == '[':
-		return ACT, stripline
-	if line[0] == ' ' and ':' in line:
-		splitline = string.splitfields(stripline, ':')
-		stripline = string.joinfields(splitline[1:], ':')
-		return TEXT, (splitline[0], string.strip(stripline))
-	return MORETEXT, stripline
-
-def readscript(file):
-	lines = file.readlines()
-	acts = []
-	actor_dict = {}
-	longest = 0
-	prev_act = 0
-	for i in range(len(lines)):
-		tp, data = parseline(lines[i])
-		if tp == NEWSCENE:
-			acts.append((actor_dict.keys(), lines[prev_act:i]))
-			prev_act = i
-			actor_dict = {}
-		elif tp == TEXT:
-			actor_dict[data[0]] = 1
-		lines[i] = tp, data
-	return acts[1:]
-
-class Main:
-	def __init__(self):
-		if macspeech:
-			self.speaker = MacSpeaker()
-		else:
-			self.speaker = None
-		sys.stdin = open('SCRIPT', 'r')
-		self.acts = readscript(sys.stdin)
-		maxactor = 0
-		for actorlist, actdata in self.acts:
-			if len(actorlist) > maxactor:
-				maxactor = len(actorlist)
-		if not self.loadnextact():
-			print 'No acts to play!'
-			raise done
-		self.lh = stdwin.lineheight()
-		self.winheight = (maxactor+2)*self.lh
-		stdwin.setdefwinsize(WINWIDTH, self.winheight)
-		self.win = stdwin.open('The Play')
-		self.win.setdocsize(WINWIDTH, self.winheight)
-		self.win.change(((0,0),(WINWIDTH, self.winheight)))
-		self.menu = self.win.menucreate('Play')
-		self.menu.additem('Faster', '+')
-		self.menu.additem('Slower', '-')
-		self.menu.additem('Quit', 'Q')
-		self.speed = 4
-		
-	def done(self):
-		del self.win
-		del self.menu
-
-	def loadnextact(self):
-		if not self.acts: return 0
-		actors, lines = self.acts[0]
-		del self.acts[0]
-		prevactor = 0
-		for i in range(len(lines)):
-			tp, data = lines[i]
-			if tp == NOTHING:
-				continue
-			elif tp in (NEWSCENE, ACT):
-				lines[i] = 0, data
-			elif tp == TEXT:
-				prevactor = actors.index(data[0])
-				lines[i] = prevactor+1, data[1]
-			else:
-				lines[i] = prevactor+1, data
-		self.lines = lines
-		self.actors = [''] + actors
-		self.actorlines = [''] * len(self.actors)
-		if self.speaker:
-			self.speaker.newvoices(len(self.actors)-1)
-		self.prevline = 0
-		self.actwidth = 0
-		for a in self.actors:
-			w = stdwin.textwidth(a)
-			if w > self.actwidth:
-				self.actwidth = w
-		return 1
-
-	def loadnextline(self):
-		if not self.lines: return 0
-		self.actorlines[self.prevline] = ''
-		top = self.lh*self.prevline
-		self.win.change(((0, top), (WINWIDTH, top+self.lh)))
-		line, data = self.lines[0]
-		del self.lines[0]
-		self.actorlines[line] = data
-		self.prevline = line
-		top = self.lh*self.prevline
-		self.win.change(((0, top), (WINWIDTH, top+self.lh)))
-		if line == 0:
-			self.win.settimer(5*self.speed)
-		else:
-			if self.speaker:
-				self.speaker.speak(line, data)
-				tv = 1
-			else:
-				nwords = len(string.split(data))
-				tv = self.speed*(nwords+1)
-			self.win.settimer(tv)
-		return 1
-
-	def timerevent(self):
-		if self.speaker and self.speaker.busy():
-			self.win.settimer(1)
-			return
-		while 1:
-			if self.loadnextline(): return
-			if not self.loadnextact():
-				stdwin.message('The END')
-				self.win.close()
-				raise done
-			self.win.change(((0,0), (WINWIDTH, self.winheight)))
-
-	def redraw(self, top, bottom, draw):
-		for i in range(len(self.actors)):
-			tpos = i*self.lh
-			bpos = (i+1)*self.lh-1
-			if tpos < bottom and bpos > top:
-				draw.setfgcolor(BLUE)
-				draw.text((0, tpos), self.actors[i])
-				if i == 0:
-					draw.setfgcolor(RED)
-				else:
-					draw.setfgcolor(BLACK)
-				draw.text((self.actwidth+5, tpos), self.actorlines[i])
-
-	def run(self):
-		self.win.settimer(10)
-		while 1:
-			ev, win, arg = stdwin.getevent()
-			if ev == WE_DRAW:
-				((left, top), (right, bot)) = arg
-				self.redraw(top, bot, self.win.begindrawing())
-			elif ev == WE_TIMER:
-				self.timerevent()
-			elif ev == WE_CLOSE:
-				self.win.close()
-				raise done
-			elif ev == WE_MENU and arg[0] == self.menu:
-				if arg[1] == 0:
-					if self.speed > 1:
-						self.speed = self.speed/2
-						if self.speaker:
-							self.speaker.setrate(1.4)
-				elif arg[1] == 1:
-					self.speed = self.speed * 2
-					if self.speaker:
-						self.speaker.setrate(0.7)
-				elif arg[1] == 2:
-					self.win.close()
-					raise done
-
-if 1:
-	main = Main()
-	try:
-		main.run()
-	except done:
-		pass
-	del main
diff --git a/Mac/Demo/speech/hum.py b/Mac/Demo/speech/hum.py
deleted file mode 100644
index ac05471..0000000
--- a/Mac/Demo/speech/hum.py
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,31 +0,0 @@
-#
-# Hum - The singing macintosh
-#
-import macspeech
-import sys
-import string
-
-dict = { 'A':57, 'A#':58, 'B':59, 'C':60, 'C#':61, 'D':62, 'D#':63,
-		 'E':64, 'F':65, 'F#':66, 'G':67, 'G#':68}
-
-vd = macspeech.GetIndVoice(2)
-vc = vd.NewChannel()
-print 'Input strings of notes, as in A B C C# D'
-while 1:
-	print 'S(tr)ing-',
-	str = sys.stdin.readline()
-	if not str:
-		break
-	str = string.split(str[:-1])
-	data = []
-	for s in str:
-		if not dict.has_key(s):
-			print 'No such note:', s
-		else:
-			data.append(dict[s])
-	print data
-	for d in data:
-		vc.SetPitch(float(d))
-		vc.SpeakText('la')
-		while macspeech.Busy():
-			pass