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diff --git a/Mac/Demo/speech/SCRIPT b/Mac/Demo/speech/SCRIPT new file mode 100644 index 0000000..12e1713 --- /dev/null +++ b/Mac/Demo/speech/SCRIPT @@ -0,0 +1,1204 @@ + Boy do I have a treat for you guys! +If this works you can send thanks to emeli@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu for +bringing it to you, though I did not transcribe it. + +"Monty Python and the Holy Grail" +-- the strictly unofficial script of the movie, + done in a fit of boredom by =AHH 01Jan87= + +The Cast (in order of appearance [roughly]): + KING ARTHUR : Graham Chapman + PATSY : Terry Gilliam + GUARD #1 : Michael Palin + GUARD #2 : John Cleese + MORTICIAN : Eric Idle + CUSTOMER : John Cleese + DEAD PERSON : ??? + DENNIS : Michael Palin + WOMAN : Terry Jones + BLACK KNIGHT : Michael Palin? + VILLAGER #1 : Eric Idle + VILLAGER #2 : Michael Palin + SIR BEDEMIR : Terry Jones + WITCH : ??? + VILLAGER #3 : John Cleese + NARRATOR: Michael Palin + SIR LANCELOT : John Cleese + SIR GALAHAD : Michael Palin + SIR ROBIN : Eric Idle + GOD : ??? + FRENCH GUARD : John Cleese + MINSTREL : ??? + LEFT HEAD : + MIDDLE HEAD : + RIGHT HEAD : +Graham Chapman +Terry Jones +Michael Palin + OLD MAN : Terry Gilliam + HEAD KNIGHT OF NEE : Michael Palin + FATHER : Michael Palin + PRINCE HERBERT : Graham Chapman? + GUARD #1 : Eric Idle + GUARD #2 : ??? + CONCORDE : Eric Idle + OLD CRONE : ??? + ROGER THE SHRUBBER : Eric Idle + TIM THE ENCHANTER: John Cleese + BROTHER MAYNARD: Eric Idle + SECOND BROTHER: Michael Palin + + Scene 1 + +[wind] +[clop clop] + ARTHUR: Whoa there! +[clop clop] + + GUARD #1: Halt! Who goes there? + ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle +of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign +of all England! + GUARD #1: Pull the other one! + ARTHUR: I am. And this my trusty servant Patsy. +We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights +who will join me in my court of Camelot. I must speak with your lord +and master. + GUARD #1: What, ridden on a horse? + ARTHUR: Yes! + GUARD #1: You're using coconuts! + ARTHUR: What? + GUARD #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and your bangin' +'em together. + ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this +land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through-- + GUARD #1: Where'd you get the coconut? + ARTHUR: We found them. + GUARD #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical! + ARTHUR: What do you mean? + GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone. + ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin +or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not +strangers to our land. + GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? + ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried. + GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut? + ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk! + GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple +question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound +coconut. + ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master +that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here. + GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow +needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right? + ARTHUR: Please! + GUARD #1: Am I right? + ARTHUR: I'm not interested! + GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow! + GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European + swallow, that's my point. + GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that... + ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court +at Camelot?! + GUARD #1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory. + GUARD #2: Oh, yeah... + GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway... +[clop clop] + GUARD #2: Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it together? + GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line. + GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a standard creeper! + GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers? + GUARD #2: Well, why not? + +Scene 2 + + MORTICIAN: Bring out your dead! +[clang] +Bring out your dead! +[clang] +Bring out your dead! +[clang] +Bring out your dead! +[clang] + Bring out your dead! +[clang] +Bring out your dead! +[clang] +Bring out your dead! +[clang] +Bring out your dead! +[clang] +Bring out your dead! +[clang] +Bring out your dead! +[clang] +Bring out your dead! +[clang] +Bring out your dead! + CUSTOMER: Here's one -- nine pence. + DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead! + MORTICIAN: What? + CUSTOMER: Nothing -- here's your nine pence. + DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead! + MORTICIAN: Here -- he says he's not dead! + CUSTOMER: Yes, he is. + DEAD PERSON: I'm not! + MORTICIAN: He isn't. + CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill. + DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better! + CUSTOMER: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment. + MORTICIAN: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations. + DEAD PERSON: I don't want to go in the cart! + CUSTOMER: Oh, don't be such a baby. + MORTICIAN: I can't take him... + DEAD PERSON: I feel fine! + CUSTOMER: Oh, do us a favor... + MORTICIAN: I can't. + CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't +be long. + MORTICIAN: Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost nine +today. + CUSTOMER: Well, when is your next round? + MORTICIAN: Thursday. + DEAD PERSON: I think I'll go for a walk. + CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there +something you can do? + DEAD PERSON: I feel happy... I feel happy. +[whop] + CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much. + MORTICIAN: Not at all. See you on Thursday. + CUSTOMER: Right. + [clop clop] + MORTICIAN: Who's that then? + CUSTOMER: I don't know. + MORTICIAN: Must be a king. + CUSTOMER: Why? + MORTICIAN: He hasn't got shit all over him. + +Scene 3 + +[clop clop] + ARTHUR: Old woman! + DENNIS: Man! + ARTHUR: Man, sorry. What knight live in that castle over there? + DENNIS: I'm thirty seven. + ARTHUR: What? + DENNIS: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old! + ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you 'Man'. + DENNIS: Well, you could say 'Dennis'. + ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called Dennis. + DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you? + ARTHUR: I did say sorry about the old woman, but from the behind +you looked-- + DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior! + ARTHUR: Well, I AM king... + DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By +exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma +which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society! +If there's ever going to be any progress-- + WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how'd you do? + ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons. +Who's castle is that? + WOMAN: King of the who? + ARTHUR: The Britons. + WOMAN: Who are the Britons? + ARTHUR: Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king. + WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous +collective. + DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. +A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes-- + WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again. + DENNIS: That's what it's all about if only people would-- + ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives +in that castle? + WOMAN: No one live there. + ARTHUR: Then who is your lord? + WOMAN: We don't have a lord. + ARTHUR: What? + DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarchosyndicalist commune. We take + it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week. + ARTHUR: Yes. + DENNIS: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified +at a special biweekly meeting. + ARTHUR: Yes, I see. + DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,-- + ARTHUR: Be quiet! + DENNIS: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more-- + ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet! + WOMAN: Order, eh -- who does he think he is? + ARTHUR: I am your king! + WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you. + ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings. + WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become king then? + ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake, + [angels sing] +her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur +from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, +Arthur was to carry Excalibur. +[singing stops] +That is why I am your king! + DENNIS: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords +is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives +from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. + ARTHUR: Be quiet! + DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power +just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you! + ARTHUR: Shut up! + DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just +because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away! + ARTHUR: Shut up! Will you shut up! + DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system. + ARTHUR: Shut up! + DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! +HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed! + ARTHUR: Bloody peasant! + DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you here that, +eh? That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw +it didn't you? + +Scene 4 + +[arg] [ugh] [hah] + + ARTHUR: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight. +I am Arthur, King of the Britons. + +I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me + in my courted camelot. + +You have proved yourself worthy will you join me? + +You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy. + BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass. + ARTHUR: What? + BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass. + ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must +cross this bridge. + BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die. + ARTHUR: I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside! + BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man. + ARTHUR: So be it! +[hah] +[parry thrust] +[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off] + ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary. + BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch. + ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off! + BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't. + ARTHUR: Well, what's that then? + BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse. + ARTHUR: You liar! + BLACK KNIGHT: Come on you pansy! +[hah] +[parry thrust] +[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off] + ARTHUR: Victory is mine! +[kneeling] +We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc- +[hah] + BLACK KNIGHT: Come on then. + ARTHUR: What? + BLACK KNIGHT: Have at you! + ARTHUR: You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine. + BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, had enough, eh? + ARTHUR: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left. + BLACK KNIGHT: Yes I have. + ARTHUR: Look! + BLACK KNIGHT: Just a flesh wound. +[bang] + ARTHUR: Look, stop that. + BLACK KNIGHT: Chicken! Chicken! + ARTHUR: Look, I'll have your leg. Right! +[whop] + BLACK KNIGHT: Right, I'll do you for that! + ARTHUR: You'll what? + BLACK KNIGHT: Come 'ere! + ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me? + BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible! + ARTHUR: You're a loony. + BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs! +Have at you! Come on then. +[whop] +[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's other leg off] + BLACK KNIGHT: All right; we'll call it a draw. + ARTHUR: Come, Patsy. + BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, oh, I see, running away then. You yellow +bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite +your legs off! + +Scene 5 + + CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch! + VILLAGER #1: We have found a witch, might we burn her? + CROWD: Burn her! Burn! + BEDEMIR: How do you know she is a witch? + VILLAGER #2: She looks like one. + BEDEMIR: Bring her forward. + WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch. + BEDEMIR: But you are dressed as one. + WITCH: They dressed me up like this. + CROWD: No, we didn't -- no. + WITCH: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one. + BEDEMIR: Well? + VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the nose. + BEDEMIR: The nose? + VILLAGER #1: And the hat -- but she is a witch! + CROWD: Burn her! Witch! Witch! Burn her! + BEDEMIR: Did you dress her up like this? + CROWD: No, no... no ... yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit. + VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart. + BEDEMIR: What makes you think she is a witch? + VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt. + BEDEMIR: A newt? + VILLAGER #3: I got better. + VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway! + CROWD: Burn! Burn her! + BEDEMIR: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether +she is a witch. + CROWD: Are there? What are they? + BEDEMIR: Tell me, what do you do with witches? + VILLAGER #2: Burn! + CROWD: Burn, burn them up! + BEDEMIR: And what do you burn apart from witches? + VILLAGER #1: More witches! + VILLAGER #2: Wood! + BEDEMIR: So, why do witches burn? + + VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of wood...? + BEDEMIR: Good! + CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah... + BEDEMIR: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood? + VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her. + BEDEMIR: Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone? + VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah. + BEDEMIR: Does wood sink in water? + VILLAGER #1: No, no. + VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats! + VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond! + CROWD: The pond! + BEDEMIR: What also floats in water? + VILLAGER #1: Bread! + VILLAGER #2: Apples! + VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks! + VILLAGER #1: Cider! + VILLAGER #2: Great gravy! + VILLAGER #1: Cherries! + VILLAGER #2: Mud! + VILLAGER #3: Churches -- churches! + VILLAGER #2: Lead -- lead! + ARTHUR: A duck. + CROWD: Oooh. + BEDEMIR: Exactly! So, logically..., + VILLAGER #1: If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood. + BEDEMIR: And therefore--? + VILLAGER #1: A witch! + CROWD: A witch! + BEDEMIR: We shall use my larger scales! +[yelling] + BEDEMIR: Right, remove the supports! +[whop] +[creak] + CROWD: A witch! A witch! + WITCH: This is a fair cop. + CROWD: Burn her! Burn! [yelling] + BEDEMIR: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science? + ARTHUR: I am Arthur, King of the Britons. + BEDEMIR: My liege! + ARTHUR: Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot, +and join us at the Round Table? + BEDEMIR: My liege! I would be honored. + ARTHUR: What is your name? + BEDEMIR: Bedemir, my leige. + ARTHUR: Then I dub you Sir Bedemir, Knight of the Round Table. + +[Narrative Interlude] + + NARRATOR: The wise Sir Bedemir was the first to join King Arthur's +knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow: +Sir Lancelot the Brave; Sir Galahad the Pure; and Sir Robin the +Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot who had nearly fought the Dragon +of Agnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol +and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Baden Hill; and +the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed +a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries, +the Knights of the Round Table. + +Scene 6 + + BEDEMIR: And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped. + ARTHUR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedemir. Explain again how +sheeps' bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes. + BEDEMIR: Oh, certainly, sir. + LANCELOT: Look, my liege! + ARTHUR: Camelot! + GALAHAD: Camelot! + LANCELOT: Camelot! + PATSY: It's only a model. + ARTHUR: Shhh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us +ride... to... Camelot. + +[singing] +We're knights of the round table +We dance when e'er we're able +We do routines and parlour scenes +With footwork impecc-Able. + +We dine well here in Camelot +We eat ham and jam and spam a lot + +[dancing] + +We're knights of the Round Table +Our shows are for-mid-able +Oh many times we're given rhymes +That are quite unsing-able +We not so fat in Camelot +We sing from the diaphragm a lot + +[tap-dancing] + +Oh we're tough and able +Quite indefatigable +Between our quests we [something] +And impersonate Clark Gable +It's a bit too loud in Camelot +I have to push the pram a lot. + + ARTHUR: Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot -- it is +a silly place. + Right. + +Scene 7 + + GOD: Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel! If +there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling. + ARTHUR: Sorry-- + GOD: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's +"sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy". What are you +doing now!? + ARTHUR: I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord. + GOD: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms -- they're so +depressing. Now knock it off! + ARTHUR: Yes, Lord. + GOD: Right! Arthur, King of the Britons -- your Knights of the +Round +Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times. + ARTHUR: Good idea, oh Lord! + GOD: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold! Arthur, this is the Holy +Grail. Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this Grail. +That is your purpose, Arthur -- the Quest for the Holy Grail. + ARTHUR: A blessing! + LANCELOT: A blessing from the Lord! + GALAHAD: God be praised! + +Scene 8 + +[clop clop] + ARTHUR: Halt! Hallo! Hallo! + GUARD: 'Allo! Who is zis? + ARTHUR: It is King Arthur, and these are the Knights of the Round +Table. Who's castle is this? + GUARD: This is the castle of mumble mumble + ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God +with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night +he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail. + GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen... +Uh, he's already got one, you see? + ARTHUR: What? + GALAHAD: He says they've already got one! + ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one? + GUARD: Oh, yes, it's very nice-uh (I told him we already got one) + ARTHUR: Well, um, can we come up and have a look? + GUARD: Of course not! You are English types-uh! + ARTHUR: Well, what are you then? + GUARD: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you +silly king! + GALAHAD: What are you doing in England? + GUARD: Mind your own business! + ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle +by force! + GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your +bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called +Arthur-king, you and all your silly English kaniggets. Thppppt! + GALAHAD: What a strange person. + ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man! + GUARD: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal +food trough whopper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was +a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! + ???: Is there someone else up there we could talk to? + GUARD: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-uh! + ARTHUR: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable. + GUARD: (Fetch-a da mush.) + wha? + GUARD: (Fetch-a da mush!) +[moo] + ARTHUR: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall-- +[twong] +[mooooooo] +Jesus Christ! +Right! Charge! + ALL: Charge! +[mayhem] + GUARD: Ah, this one is for your mother! +[twong] + ALL: Run away! + GUARD: Thpppt! + LANCELOT: Fiends! I'll tear them apart! + ARTHUR: No no, no. + BEDEMIR: Sir! I have a plan, sir. + +[later] + +[chop] +[rumble rumble squeak] +ce labon a bunny do +wha? + un codoo? +a present! +oh, un codoo. +oui oui hurry! +wha-? +let's go! +[rumble rumble squeak] + + ARTHUR: What happens now? + BEDEMIR: Well, now, uh, Lancelet, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall, +and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise -- not only +by surprise, but totally unarmed! + ARTHUR: Who leaps out? + BEDEMIR: Uh, Lancelot, Galahad, and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh +and uh.... + ARTHUR: Oh.... + BEDEMIR: Oh.... Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger-- +[twong] + ALL: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! +[splat] + FRENCH: Oh, haw haw haw. + +Scene 9 + + Pictures for Schools, take 8. + DIRECTOR: Action! + + NARRATOR: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened +King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely +by surprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required +if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful +conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest knights, decided that +they should separate, and search for the Grail individually. Now, this +is what they did-- +[tromp tromp] +[slash] + WOMAN: Greg! + +Scene 10 + + NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Robin.... +So each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north, +through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels. + + MINSTREL (singing): Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot. + He was not afraid to die, o Brave Sir Robin. + He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways. + Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin! + + He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed + into a pulp, + Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. + To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, + And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin! + + His head smashed in and his heart cut out, + And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged, + And his nostrils ripped and his bottom burned off, + And his penis-- + ROBIN: That's -- that's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads. +Looks like there's dirty work afoot. + DENNIS: Anarchosyndicalism is a way of preserving freedom. + WOMAN: Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. Now I've dropped my mud. + ALL HEADS: Halt! Who art thou? + MINSTREL (singing): He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who-- + ROBIN: Shut up! Um, n-n-nobody really, I'm j-just um, just passing +through. + ALL HEADS: What do you want? + MINSTREL (singing): To fight, and-- + ROBIN: Shut up! Um, oo, n-nothing, nothing really -- I, uh, j-j-ust +to um, just to p-pass through good Sir knight. + ALL HEADS: I'm afraid not! + ROBIN: Ah. W-well, actually I am a Knight of the Round Table. + ALL HEADS: You're a Knight of the Round Table? + ROBIN: I am. +TJ:In that case I shall have to kill you. +GC:Shall I? +MP:Oh, I don't think so. +GC:Well, what do I think? +TJ:I think kill him. +MP:Well let's be nice to him. +GC:Oh shut up. +TJ:Perhaps- +GC:And you. +TJ:Oh quick get the sword out I want to cut his head off! +MP:Oh, cut your own head off! +GC:Yes, do us all a favor! +TJ:What? +MP:Yapping on all the time. +GC:You're lucky, you're not next to him. +TJ:What do you mean? +GC:You snore. +TJ:Oh I don't -- anyway, you've got bad breath. +GC:Well its only because you don't brush my teeth. +MP:Oh stop bitching and let's go have tea. +TJ:All right all right all right we'll kill him first and then have tea + and biscuits. +GC:Yes. +MP:Oh, but not biscuits. +TJ:All right all right not biscuits, but lets kill him anyway. + ALL HEADS: Right! +TJ:He buggered off. +MP:So he has, he scarpered. + + MINSTREL (singing): Brave Sir Robin ran away + ROBIN: No! + MINSTREL (singing): Bravely ran away away + ROBIN: I didn't! + MINSTREL (singing): When danger reared its ugly head, + He bravely turned his tail and fled + ROBIN: No! + MINSTREL (singing): Yes Brave Sir Robin turned about + ROBIN: I didn't! + MINSTREL (singing): And gallantly he chickened out + Bravely taking to his feet + ROBIN: I never did! + MINSTREL (singing): He beat a very brave retreat + ROBIN: Oh, lie! + MINSTREL (singing): Bravest of the brave Sir Robin + ROBIN: I never! + +Scene 11 + NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Galahad + +[boom crash] +[angels singing] + +[pound pound pound] + GALAHAD: Open the door! +Open the door! +[pound pound pound] +In the name of King Arthur, open the door! +[squeak thump] +[squeak boom] + ALL: Hello! + ZOOT: Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax. + GALAHAD: The Castle Anthrax? + ZOOT: Yes... oh, it's not a very good name is it? Oh! but we are +nice and we shall attend to your every, every need! + GALAHAD: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail? + ZOOT: The what? + GALAHAD: The Grail -- it is here? + ZOOT: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Midget! +Crepper! + MIDGET and CREPPER: Yes, oh Zoot! + ZOOT: Prepare a bed for our guest. + MIDGET and CREPPER: Oh thank you thank you thank you-- + ZOOT: Away away vilatesses[?]! The beds here are warm and soft -- and +very, very big. + GALAHAD: Well, look, I-I-uh-- + ZOOT: What is your name, handsome knight? + GALAHAD: Sir Galahad... the Chaste. + ZOOT: Mine is Zoot... just Zoot. Oh, but come! + GALAHAD: Look, please! In God's name, show me the Grail! + ZOOT: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious! + GALAHAD: L-look, I have seen it! It is here, in the-- + ZOOT: Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our +hospitality. + GALAHAD: Well, I-I-uh-- + ZOOT: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared +to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between +sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to +protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life -- bathing, dressing, undressing, +making exciting underwear.... We are just not used to handsome knights. +Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded! + GALAHAD: No, no -- i-it's nothing! + ZOOT: Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please, +lie down. [clap clap] + PIGLET: Ah. What seems to be the trouble? + GALAHAD: They're doctors?! + ZOOT: Uh, they've had a basic medical training, yes. + GALAHAD: B-but-- + ZOOT: Oh, come come, you must try to rest! Doctor Piglet, Doctor +Winston, practice your art. + PIGLET: Try to relax. + GALAHAD: Are you sure that's necessary? + PIGLET: We must examine you. + GALAHAD: There's nothing wrong with that! + PIGLET: Please -- we are doctors. + GALAHAD: Get off the bed! I am sworn to chastity! + PIGLET: Back to your bed! + GALAHAD: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail! + PIGLET: There's no grail here. + GALAHAD: I have seen it, I have seen it. I have seen-- + GIRLS: Hello. + GALAHAD: Oh-- + VARIOUS GIRLS: Hello. +Hello. +Hello. +Hello. +Hello. +Hello. + Hello. +Hello. +Hello. +Hello. +Hello. +Hello. + GALAHAD: Zoot! + DINGO: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo. + GALAHAD: Oh, well, excuse me, I-- + DINGO: Where are you going? + GALAHAD: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle! + DINGO: No! Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot! + GALAHAD: What is it? + DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight +to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the +first time we've had this problem. + GALAHAD: It's not the real Grail? + DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she is a naughty +person, and she must pay the penalty -- and here in Castle Anthrax, we +have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. You +must tie her down on a bed and spank her! + GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking! + DINGO: You must spank her well. And after you have spanked her, you +may deal with her as you like. And then, spank me. + VARIOUS GIRLS: And spank me. +And me. +And me. + DINGO: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking! + GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking! + DINGO: And after the spanking, the oral sex. + GIRLS: Oral sex! Oral sex! + GALAHAD: Well, I could stay a BIT longer. + LANCELOT: Sir Galahad! + GALAHAD: Oh, hello. + LANCELOT: Quick! + GALAHAD: What? + LANCELOT: Quick! + GALAHAD: Why? + LANCELOT: You're in great peril! + GALAHAD: + ZOOT: + LANCELOT: Silence, foul temptress! + GALAHAD: Now look, it's not important. + LANCELOT: Quick! Come on and we'll cover your escape! + GALAHAD: Look, I'm fine! + LANCELOT: Come on! + GALAHAD: Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed! + DINGO: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed! + GIRLS: Yes! Tackle us single-handed! + LANCELOT: No, Sir Galahad, come on! + GALAHAD: No, really, honestly, I can go back and handle this lot easily! + DINGO: Oh, yes, he can handle us easily. + GIRLS: Yes, yes! + GALAHAD: Wait! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty +of them! + DINGO: Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance. + GIRLS: Yes, yes. +[boom] + DINGO: Oh, shit. +[outside] + LANCELOT: We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril. + GALAHAD: I don't think I was. + LANCELOT: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril. + GALAHAD: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril. + LANCELOT: No, it's too perilous. + GALAHAD: Look, my particular knight sob as much peril as I can. + LANCELOT: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on! + GALAHAD: Well, let me have just a little bit of peril? + LANCELOT: No, it's unhealthy. + GALAHAD: Bet you're gay! + LANCELOT: No, I'm not. + + Narrative Interlude + + NARRATOR: Sir Lancelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain +temptation, but they were still no nearer the Grail. Meanwhile, King +Arthur and Sir Bedemir, not more than a swallow's flight away, had +discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously. +I mean, they were more than two laden swallow's flights away -- four, +really, if they hadn't a cord of line between them. I mean, if the birds +were walking and dragging-- + CROWD: Get on with it! + NARRATOR: Oh, anyway, on to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing +scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue, +in which there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a +starling -oolp! + +Scene 12 + + OLD MAN: Ah, hee he he ha! + ARTHUR: And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the grail? + OLD MAN: Ha ha he he he he! + ARTHUR: Where does he live? Old man, where does he live? + OLD MAN: He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered. + ARTHUR: And the Grail... The Grail is there? + OLD MAN: Very much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge + of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed. + ARTHUR: But the Grail! Where is the Grail!? + OLD MAN: Seek you the Bridge of Death. + ARTHUR: The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail? + OLD MAN: Hee hee ha ha! + +Scene 13 + + HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! +Nee! +Nee! +Nee! + ARTHUR: Who are you? + HEAD KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say... Nee! + ARTHUR: No! Not the Knights Who Say Nee! + HEAD KNIGHT: The same! + BEDEMIR: Who are they? + HEAD KNIGHT: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Nee, Pen, and +Nee-wom! + RANDOM: Nee-wom! + ARTHUR: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale! + HEAD KNIGHT: The Knights Who Say Nee demand a sacrifice! + ARTHUR: Knights of Nee, we are but simple travellers who seek the +enchanter who lives beyond these woods. + HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee! + ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow! + HEAD KNIGHT: We shall say 'nee' again to you if you do not appease us. + ARTHUR: Well, what is it you want? + HEAD KNIGHT: We want... a shrubbery! +[chord] + ARTHUR: A what? + HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee! + ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow! + ARTHUR: Please, please! No more! We shall find a shrubbery. + HEAD KNIGHT: You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will +never pass through this wood alive! + ARTHUR: O Knights of Nee, you are just and fair, and we will return +with a shrubbery. + HEAD KNIGHT: One that looks nice. + ARTHUR: Of course. + HEAD KNIGHT: And not too expensive. + ARTHUR: Yes. + HEAD KNIGHTS: Now... go! + +Scene 14 + + NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Lancelot. + + FATHER: One day, lad, all this will be yours! + HERBERT: What, the curtains? + FATHER: No, not the curtains, lad. All that you can see! Stretched +out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad! + HERBERT: But, Mother! + FATHER: Father, I'm Father. + HERBERT: But Father, I don't want any of that. + FATHER: Listen, lad. I've built this kingdom up from nothing. When +I started here, all there was was swamp. All the kings said I was daft +to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show +'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the +swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank +into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. An' that's what your gonna +get, lad -- the strongest castle in these islands. + HERBERT: But I don't want any of that -- I'd rather-- + FATHER: Rather what?! + HERBERT: I'd rather... just... +[music] +...sing! + FATHER: Stop that, stop that! You're not going to do a song while +I'm here. Now listen lad, in twenty minutes you're getting married to +a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain. + HERBERT: But I don't want land. + FATHER: Listen, Alex,-- + HERBERT: Herbert. + FATHER: Herbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we +can get. + HERBERT: But I don't like her. + FATHER: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, +she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land. + HERBERT: I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have... +a certain... special... +[music] +...something... + FATHER: Cut that out, cut that out. Look, you're marryin' Princess +Looky, so you'd better get used to the idea. [smack] Guards! Make sure +the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im. + GUARD #1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him. + GUARD #2: Hic! + FATHER: No, no. Until I come and get 'im. + GUARD #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room. + FATHER: No, no, no. You stay in the room and make sure 'e doesn't +leave. + GUARD #1: And you'll come and get him. + GUARD #2: Hic! + FATHER: Right. + GUARD #1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him +entering the room. + FATHER: No, no. Leaving the room. + GUARD #1: Leaving the room, yes. + FATHER: All right? + GUARD #1: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we... + FATHER: Yes, what is it? + GUARD #1: Oh, if-if, oh-- + FATHER: Look, it's quite simple. + GUARD #1: Uh... + FATHER: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. +All right? + GUARD #2: Hic! + FATHER: Right. + GUARD #1: Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us? + FATHER: N- No no no. You just keep him in here, and make sure-- + GUARD #1: Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had +to leave and we were-- + FATHER: No, no, just keep him in here-- + GUARD #1: Until you, or anyone else,-- + FATHER: No, not anyone else, just me-- + GUARD #1: Just you. + GUARD #2: Hic! + FATHER: Get back. + GUARD #1: Get back. + FATHER: Right? + GUARD #1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back. + FATHER: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave. + GUARD #1: What? + FATHER: Make sure 'e doesn't leave. + GUARD #1: The Prince? + FATHER: Yes, make sure 'e doesn't leave. + GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him. Y'know, it +seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard. + FATHER: Is that clear? + GUARD #2: Hic! + GUARD #1: Oh, quite clear, no problems. + FATHER: Right. +[starts to leave] +Where are you going? + GUARD #1: We're coming with you. + FATHER: No no, I want you to stay 'ere and make sure 'e doesn't leave. + GUARD #1: Oh, I see. Right. + HERBERT: But, Father! + FATHER: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! And no singing! + GUARD #2: Hic! + FATHER: Oh, go get a glass of water. + +Scene 15 + + LANCELOT: Well taken, Concorde! + CONCORDE: Thank you, sir! Most kind. + LANCELOT: And again... Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big +one...Ooof! Come on, Concorde! +[thwonk] + CONCORDE: Message for you, sir. +[fwump] + LANCELOT: Concorde! Concorde, speak to me! "To whoever finds this +note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against +my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the tall +tower of Swamp Castle." At last! A call, a cry of distress! This could +be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail! Brave, brave Concorde! You +shall not have died in vain! + CONCORDE: Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, sir. + LANCELOT: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain! + CONCORDE: Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir. + LANCELOT: Oh, I see. + CONCORDE: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you-- + LANCELOT: No, no, sweet Concorde! Stay here! I will send help as +soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own +particular... (sigh) + CONCORDE: Idiom, sir? + LANCELOT: Idiom! + CONCORDE: No, I feel fine, actually, sir. + LANCELOT: Farewell, sweet Concorde! + CONCORDE: I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir? Yeah. + +Scene 16 + + LANCELOT: Ha-ha! etc. + GUARD #1: Now, you're not allowed to come in here, and we're-ugh! + LANCELOT: O fair one, behold your humble servant Sir Lancelot +of Camelot. I have come to take -- oh, I'm terribly sorry. + HERBERT: You got my note! + LANCELOT: Uh, well, I got A note. + HERBERT: You've come to rescue me! + LANCELOT: Uh, well, no, you see-- + HERBERT: I knew that someone would, I knew that somewhere out there... +there must be... +[music] +...someone... + FATHER: Stop that, stop that, stop it! Stop it! Who are you? + HERBERT: I'm your son! + FATHER: No, not you. + LANCELOT: I'm Sir Lancelot, sir. + HERBERT: He's come to rescue me, father. + LANCELOT: Well, let's not jump to conclusions. + FATHER: Did you kill all the guard? + LANCELOT: Uh..., oh, yes. Sorry. + FATHER: They cost fifty pounds each. + LANCELOT: Well, I'm awfully sorry, I'm -- I really can explain everything. + HERBERT: Don't be afraid of him, Sir Lancelot, I've got a rope all ready! + FATHER: You killed eight wedding guests in all! + LANCELOT: Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady. + FATHER: I can understand that. + HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Lancelot! Hurry! + FATHER: Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, that's all! + LANCELOT: Well, I really didn't mean to... + FATHER: Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his head! + LANCELOT: Oh, dear. Is he all right? + FATHER: You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost +me a fortune! + LANCELOT: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north +from Camelot, when I got this note, you see-- + FATHER: Camelot? Are you from, uh, Camelot? + HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Lancelot! + LANCELOT: Uh, I am a Knight of King Arthur, sir. + FATHER: Pretty nice castle, Camelot. Uh, pretty good pig country.... + LANCELOT: Yes. + HERBERT: Hurry, I'm ready! + FATHER: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink? + LANCELOT: Well, that's, uh, awfully nice of you. + HERBERT: I am ready! +[start to leave] + LANCELOT: --I mean to be, so understanding. +[thonk] + HERBERT: Oooh! + LANCELOT: Um, I think when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, +uh, sort of carried away. + FATHER: Oh, don't worry about that. + HERBERT: Oooh! +[splat] + +Scene 17 +[wailing] + FATHER: Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this +knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living room. + RANDOM: There he is! + FATHER: Oh, bloody hell. + LANCELOT: Ha-ha! etc. + FATHER: Hold it, hold it! Please! + LANCELOT: Sorry, sorry. See what I mean, I just get carried away. +I really must -- sorry, sorry! Sorry, everyone. + RANDOM: He's killed the best man! +[yelling] + FATHER: Hold it, please! Hold it! This is Sir Lancelot from the + gorge of Camelot -- a very brave and influential knight, and my special +guest here today. + LANCELOT: Hello. + RANDOM: He killed my auntie! +[yelling] + FATHER: Please, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! +Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to +witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy +wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen +to his death. But I think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained +a daughter! For, since the tragic death of her father-- + RANDOM: He's not quite dead! + FATHER: Since the near fatal wounding of her father-- + RANDOM: He's getting better! + FATHER: For, since her own father... who, when he seemed about to +recover, suddenly felt the icy hand fo death upon him,-- +[ugh] + RANDOM: Oh, he's died! + FATHER: And I want his only daughter to look upon me... as her own +dad -- in a very real, and legally binding sense. +[clapping] +And I feel sure that the merger -- uh, the union -- between the Princess +and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Lancelot of Camelot-- + LANCELOT: What? + RANDOM: Look! The dead Prince! + CONCORDE: He's not quite dead! + HERBERT: Oh, I feel much better. + FATHER: You fell out of the cold tower, you creep! + HERBERT: No, I was saved at the last minute. + FATHER: How?! + HERBERT: Well, I'll tell you... +[music] + FATHER: Not like that! Not like that! No, stop it! + SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell! + FATHER: Shut up! + SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell! + He's going to tell! He's going to tell! + He's going to tell! He's going to tell! + He's going to tell! He's going to tell! + CONCORDE: Quickly, sir! This way! + LANCELOT: No, it's not in my idiom! I must escape more....(sigh) + CONCORDE: Dramatically, sir? + LANCELOT: Dramatically! Hee! Ha! +[crash] +Excuse me, could, uh, could somebody give me a push, please...? + +Scene 18 + + [clop clop] + ARTHUR: Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy +a shrubbery! +[chord] + CRONE: Who sent you? + ARTHUR: The Knights Who Say Nee. + CRONE: Agh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here. + ARTHUR: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend +and I will say... we will say... 'nee'. + CRONE: Agh! Do your worst! + ARTHUR: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... nee! + CRONE: No! Never! No shrubberies! + ARTHUR: Nee! + BEDEMIR: Noo! Noo! + ARTHUR: No, no, no, no -- it's not that, it's 'nee'. + BEDEMIR: Noo! + ARTHUR: No, no -- 'nee'. You're not doing it properly. + BEDEMIR: Noo! Nee! + ARTHUR: That's it, that's it, you've got it. + ARTHUR and BEDEMIR: Nee! Nee! + ROGER: Are you saying 'nee' to that old woman? + ARTHUR: Um, yes. + ROGER: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can 'nee' +at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is + sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under +considerable economic stress at this period in history. + ARTHUR: Did you say 'shrubberies'? + ROGER: Yes, shrubberies are my trade -- I am a shrubber. My name +is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies. + BEDEMIR: Nee! + ARTHUR: No! No, no, no! No! + +Scene 19 + + ARTHUR: O, Knights of Nee, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we +go now? + HEAD KNIGHT: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. +But there is one small problem. + ARTHUR: What is that? + HEAD KNIGHT: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Nee. + RANDOM: Nee! + HEAD KNIGHT: Shh shh. We are now the Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky- +ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-mumble-mumble. + RANDOM: Nee! + HEAD KNIGHT: Therefore, we must give you a test. + ARTHUR: What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til Recently +Said Nee? + HEAD KNIGHT: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery! + [chord] + ARTHUR: Not another shrubbery! + HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place +it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a +two-level effect with a little path running down the middle. + RANDOM: A path! A path! Nee! + HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut +down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring! +[chord] + ARTHUR: We shall do no such thing! + HEAD KNIGHT: Oh, please! + ARTHUR: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done. + KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! + HEAD KNIGHT: Don't say that word. + ARTHUR: What word? + HEAD KNIGHT: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words +the Knights of Nee cannot hear. + ARTHUR: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is? + KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! + ARTHUR: What, 'is'? + HEAD KNIGHT: No, not "is" -- we couldn't get vary far in life not + +Ooops I'm out of time. i'll send the rest tomorrow. + +Eric |